Year Review

After much procrastination, I managed to start packing my room yesterday. My mom packed all my stuff that I left behind into a few boxes and so I had some sorting out to do. I picked the heaviest box and started taking out the items one by one. Most of the items were really old and it felt like I was going through my past as I went through every single item. There were letters, postcards, photographs, cassette tapes, diaries, notes, camp booklets, camp photographs, and even love letters. In the midst of my excitement in going through all these old stuff, I picked up a really old and dusty notebook. Flipping through the pages, I realized that this was a devotional diary that I had during my time at GLO Bible School Taiping. That feeling of going through all those thoughts that I had reading God's word previously, was just so refreshing. The hardest part was trying to recall what I was going through that period of time because I don't recall me having that much problems except coping with the lonely life I had then.

After reading that diary, I had that sudden urge of looking back at my life, especially this year. This year, as mentioned many times in my other posts, have been a busy and hectic year. Work has been a blessing in disguise. Through all the early mornings, time pressures, and fatigue, I've can only say that God has been gracious in providing me with the abilities to overcome them. For as far as I could remember, I would always utter this prayer before I go to work, "Lord, give me the strength to do my job well." And God has never let me down. I've always been able to go through my work with not much complications. Even when things go bad, God has always helped me overcome it.

Being part of ICF (International Christian Fellowship) was one of the blessings I had this year. Seeing how God has worked through this student led organization has been amazing. Time and time again I've been stretched while being part of this organization and truly, God is strong when I'm weak. There is no denying that when we depend on our own strength, we will wear out and we will feel burned out. Yes, we are not robots and our flesh can feel weak, but when we put our faith in ourselves instead of God, then our flesh is burdened and becomes weary. I shared these words at the AGM when I stepped down from the committee, "Through my time of service in ICF, God has thought me that as a Christian, suffering is inevitable, so that I can learn to trust him more and more."

One of the major events for me this year, which I've not mentioned much in this blog, is someone new in my life. Through this person, God thought me that when He provides, He provides the best, and He does listen to our prayers even when we don't think so. After ending my previous relationship, I went through a long period of self-discovery and maturity. But throughout that period of time, I never ceased to pray for a life partner. And though my faith was small in waiting, God has preserved me well. He made sure things don't work out for those that I've previously pursued, until I met Sarah. It was something hard to believe, but when it has all been revealed to me, I realized that God has been working all these while. Looking at my relationship with Sarah now, I have only praise for Him. All that I've not been able to see, all the doubts and fears I had were all put now put away because I believe that God has already provided and will continue to provide.

Through all these blessings, I've also faced a couple of challenges this year. The most evident challenge was the challenge of staying in 2KP. During my stay there, I've been challenged from all angles, stretch from left to right, put into uncomfortable positions and I believe this has been a really golden experience for me. At the end of my term there, God made me realize that through that very disciplined lifestyle I had to follow, there was much I could take with me for the future. I'm sure this would be very useful experience for me next time when I've my own family. Living as a student and a family is very different and through my time in 2KP, I've learned to not only live as a family, but as a family of God's redeemed people. It was a hard and suppressing experience, but I've much to thank God for.

This year has not been a year of good blogging for me. Somehow, my passion in wanting to write good materials have dwindled down this year. There was a long period of silence from me nearing the end of the year and for the first time, I had a month without a single post.

Another challenge is my involvement in church. Throughout my time in New Zealand so far, I've only been active in ICF and hardly involved in church. I yearn very much to be involved with church, but that opportunity has never been there. Sometimes I question if it is a matter of opportunity or willingness. For the past few months in Malaysia, God has rekindled that passion in wanting to serve Him again. But like what Mr. Eng Huat mentioned before, that no matter how much you serve, your personal relationship with God should take more priority.

For year 2010, I really do hope to change a couple of things. I realized that my desire to study God's word has been dying. Due to the saturation of good solid teaching and the lack of effort, I've lost this love for the Word of God. But in 2010, I want to pick it up again. Service to God's church, is another thing I want to strive for. On Sunday, as I was flipping through my Bible during the Lord's supper, I realized that after I go back to New Zealand, I won't have the opportunity to practice my priesthood anymore. There will be no more open worship where brothers are led by the Spirit to worship God. Would it be a good idea to go back to a pure brethren church where the other 20 members are aged 50 and beyond? I can only pray and let God's spirit lead me.

In that diary that I read, I remember writing down the lyrics of this particular song sung by Petra,

I don't have much to offer You,

I don't have much to give

There's so much I may never be as long as I may live,

But if You choose me to use me,

There's just one reason why:

I am available, I am available,

I will go when You say go,

I am available, I am available,

I will stop when You say no,

My whole life was incomplete till I laid it at Your feet,

So use me as You will, I am available.

The pages after that were blank. And as I asked myself why there was nothing written after that, I realized that I wrote the lyrics of that song on the last few days before graduating.

Maybe it's time to continue on what I've left behind years ago.

May 2010, be that year that I pickup the empty pages and fill it with a life filled with obedience to my King and Master.