God's Harbour

10th

2010-06-02T23:47:00.005+12:00

Today marks the 10th month that Sarah & I have been in this relationship. At the 2nd of every month since August last year, we would do something special. It was like "our" day and we would take some time off to just do something together. This time around, we decided to skip the usual dine out and movies template and tried something different instead. It was a rather productive day and I would say that it was one of the best times together.

So I met up with Sarah at Borders at about an hour after noon, and she surprised me with a new pair of pajamas pants from Peter Alexander. I kinda knew she would get them for me cause I have been hinting and nudging her for the past few days. Ask and you shall receive, right? Anyway, I was still grateful she got it for me. She doesn't know that I got her the same pair of pants but it'll arrive the next day due to the lack of stock. Let's hope she doesn't read this before she gets it or it'll spoil the surprise. (The risks I take for this blog!)

After that we walked into a couple of boutique stalls and window shopped a lil' before heading to the swimming pool. I must say, the pool system here's too systematic for my liking. They had fast lanes, slow lanes, and you've to even keep to the left! Kinda feels like a highway. It didn't take us long before we tired out (more like I did) and headed to the sauna. 15 minutes was all we could handle, so we showered and left the pool. Our stomachs were nudging us, and the dehydration was not treating us very well, making us head to the supermarket to get a pie each and a drink. We sat near Oriental Bay and ate with the accompaniments of some Robins. It was rather amusing watching them literally grabbing the crumbs from the ground. I wouldn't say the same when the seagulls started to join the party. Sarah was getting paranoid of the seagulls, so we left and got some DVD. As soon as we got out of the Civic Video, we saw our bus arriving and made a dash for it. We bought some rather cheap Angus beef from supermarket before heading home, and cooked ourselves a rather luscious meal. We had steak with mushroom sauce, roasted corn cobs, mashed potatoes and a bowl of tomato soup each. We ended the night with one of the DVDs we loaned and was pretty much exhausted mid-way through the show.

Some time in between the day, I had this rather interesting conversation with Sarah. A couple of days ago, we caught this movie at the cinemas, called "The Book of Eli". The movie was about a man named Eli that lived in the post-apocalyptic world. He was given this duty by God to guard the very last Bible that existed. Nearing the end of the film, he had an opportunity to hand the Bible to an organization that's helping rebuild civilization and would be able to preserve the book. But because he lost the Bible to some villain, he couldn't do that. However, for the past 30 years, he has been reading that Bible in braille, and was able recited the whole Bible to be recorded down.

I made a comment that it was rather impossible for anyone to actually be able to recite the entire Bible, word for word. How could it be possible to memorize books like Numbers and Leviticus, and not to mention the multitude of names that are recorded in the Bible. Sarah however didn't share my opinion. She thought that if God has given this man the task to guard the very last Bible in the world, surely he would've received the ability from God to complete the task.

Those words ran around in my head for awhile and it was as if God was reminding me that these 10 months wouldn't have happened if He had not given both Sarah and I the ability to maintain this relationship. Not only has He brought our paths together, He has given us the capability and strength to continue this journey. 10 months seemed like a rather short period of time; in fact it is a very short frame of time. Somehow, that short period of time felt like a very long time.

I guess when you are with that special someone,

time does stop sometime.

And at times, it stops longer than it should.

A Moment Like This

2010-05-29T23:17:00.004+12:00

"Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this."

These words are taken from the lyrics of Kelly Clarkson's famous hit, "A Moment Like This". I've listened to this song a couple of times and I always felt that this particular part of the song was quite magical. I guess many of us do live our lives, anticipating that experience where the whole world just stands still before our eyes and our whole life can boil down to that one moment. May it be at the marriage altar, saying your vows, or at the hospital holding your first child in your arms, or standing at the stage as a graduate, or wearing that suit to your dream job, or even at the deathbed of someone dear.

I think I've always asked God, "When is my moment?" and though it might not be those exact words every time, they do come in other forms. Like many other kids, I've always dreamed and aspired to be many things. When I was a young boy, I dreamed of being a pilot, a dentist, a doctor, and even a char kuey teow seller (fried rice noodles). As I hit my teenage years, my aspirations changed and I had dreams of being a missionary, a graphic designer, an advertiser, an architect, a painter and even a rock star. Fast forward to today, and I've no more dreams. One of the hardest questions that I've encountered is when people enquire about which job field I'll be taking after I graduate. I've left that question in the cupboard for far too long and I always concluded that I'm just too lazy to think about it. My plan is to just apply for a multitude of jobs and see which one wants me. But I'm beginning to realize that the real reason behind it is because I don't dare to dream anymore. I'm just allowing life to hit me with whatever and say, "God will provide." It's not that I don't believe in God's provision, cause He does and I know that very well. At the same time, I'm just so called putting my "faith" into the ambiguity and allowing it bring me to wherever it brings me.

Last night at ICF, I shared about my experience with God many years ago. It happened when my family was in a transition of moving back to Kuala Lumpur and I was the only reluctant one. But through a sermon on Nehemiah in church, God gave me this promise that He'll bring me away from home, into exile and one day come home. I've not remembered this promise for a long time, but as of last night, God reminded me that I am at my exile now and I'm wasting it. Nehemiah was brought into exile like many other Israelites such as Daniel and his three friends. But when he was given the green light to go home, he used his experience and whatever God has prepared him for during his period away from home to lead his people in rebuilding their country. What am I doing in preparation to go home and help my country, my family and my church? I guess I have truly forgotten about that experience and promise God has given me and I'm only living my days like aimlessly. Will I end up being a migrant and not go back to my homeland? Will I decide that the grass here is greener and make this my new home?

I dream that one day I'll be able to go home and be of help to my country, my church and my family. When will that be? Honestly, I don't know. But this I know, that I'll continue to dream and hope for that moment, even if I've to wait a lifetime.

2010-05-25T15:45:00.002+12:00

Jesus is the answer

For the world today.

Above Him there's no other

Jesus is the way.

Missions

2010-05-17T10:47:00.002+12:00

Over the weekend, Sarah and I were invited by my flatmate, John to attend his church camp at Waikanae. I must say, I enjoyed myself thoroughly and the camp was full of fun, especially the quiz night which we won! But amongst all that enjoyment, the feeding of spiritual food was not compromised and I was very well fed indeed. We had a look at the book of Acts in line with it's implications of risk in Church ministry and missions. George (from Auckland) was the speaker for that camp, and though it was quite hard to grasp his Scottish accent at first, it was all in all a very inspiring message.

Although, what prompted me most was through this discussion I attended with Jo (George's wife). She was working for SIM (Serving In Missions); something like a missionary recruitment agency. Well, it's purpose is a lot more noble than what I described it to be, but yeah, that's what they do; plunge people with the relevant skills to mission fields that needs aid. As they were discussing over some questions, I took myself out of my skin for awhile and zoned out. I know I do this quite often and it might not be polite or healthy, but trust me, I can't control it sometimes. As I was in that 'zone', I was asking myself if I could ever see myself as a missionary. And sadly, the answer was no. I just couldn't bring myself to be driven or have enough compassion for the poor and needy, or even bring the good news to unreached people. Just imagining myself in a mission field was not appealing at all and at some point of time I was even telling God, "Please God, don't send me somewhere for mission work. You can use me in youth ministry, music ministry, or anything, even children! But not mission work please."

As I continued to ponder in my zone, I began to think of the characters that George mentioned in his sermon. Paul, Peter, Barnabas, and John Mark. I wondered what was it that made them so passionate for God's mission field. They went through all the trouble, pain, suffering, and even death in order to bring this Good News to people around the world. However, among all the great apostles, I thought of John Mark. He was not like Paul or Barnabas that lead mission trips and planted churches. Nor was he like Peter that addressed the multitudes of people during Pentecost. Instead, he abandoned Paul and Barnabas on one of their journeys, which made Paul lose faith in having him as a helper later on. But what was most interesting about John Mark was that he was later on regarded as a very good companion of Paul. Because Barnabas had not given up on him and gave him a second chance, he was restored into ministry and later on recognized by Paul himself in his letters. But most importantly, John Mark was also known as the author that wrote the Gospel of Mark through Peter. And as I was thinking about John Mark, it made me realize that we are after all, human and imperfect vessels. Not just John Mark but even the other apostles were imperfect and they all had their moments where things didn't turn out right. Peter had a problem with preaching to the Gentiles and had to be confronted by Paul; Paul and Barnabas had a fight over who to bring to the mission field and part ways and it continues to show that though they were God's servant, it didn't mean they were perfect. They were not in possession of any special abilities or power that made God choose them as well. It's funny how the world always chooses you because you have something in possession of something special or outstanding. However that's not how our God works.

I asked myself one last question, "What if God dispatches me in a mission field one day? Will I be able to do it? Will I fail?" And as I looked back at John Mark, I see a man that ran away from his mission and abandoned his field. But I also saw a man that God used for further greatness, surpassing his shortcomings and failures. I'm convinced that God's message to me is that it's not a question of abilities but availabilities. If I lay my broken and ugly vessel before God, He will fill it with His spirit and use it for His own glory.

One Little Heartbeat At A Time

2010-05-09T18:24:00.006+12:00

You're up all night with a screaming baby

You run all day at the speed of life

And every day you feel a little bit less

Like the beautiful woman you are

So you fall into bed when you run out of hours

And you wonder if anything worth doing got done

Oh, maybe you just don't know

Or maybe you've forgotten

With every "I know I can do it"

Every tear that you kiss away

So many little things that seem to go unnoticed

They're just like the drops of rain over time

They become a river

You, you are changing the world

One little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh, you, you may not see it now

But I believe that time will tell

How you, you are changing the world

Oh, I believe that you

You are changing the world

One little heartbeat

At a time.

- One Little Heartbeat At A Time (Steven Curtis Chapman)

You are beautifully changing the world mummy,

And I'm proud to be your son.

I miss you &

I love you.

'The One'

2010-05-09T00:54:00.006+12:00

I remember having this conversation/dissension with a friend once, about the concept of 'the one'. This concept is very familiar among Christians and non-Christians alike and I blame it on all the romantic comedies and chick flicks in the cinemas today. It's a simple and yet pensive conviction that most (if not all) of us have a life partner/soul mate with the label as 'the one'. The concept continues to further illustrate that most of us (if not all) have all been paired off even before we were born and one day when we meet that person, we will know that it is him/her and marrying that person will be the right thing to do or following God's Will in the context of a Christian's view. I know there are many clauses, sub-clauses and different versions of the concept as well but you know what I'm driving at and might even be a keen believer of it as well.

As a matter of fact, I confess that I grew up with this idea being engraved in me and was convicted that one day I will meet my 'the one'. But as I matured, I began to realize that this fairy tale is not more than what it is; a fairy tale. For one, there is no such concept being taught in the Bible, and by looking at how the world at present perceives love, there is of little chance that this is a popular choice of belief. The world today portrays love as lustful, contemptible and casual. It's hard to suppose that the love that's being described in 1 Corinthians 13 as attainable due to the standards and norms of our society. Marriage no longer seems to be something that everyone ponders and desires anymore, unlike the time of our parents. In fact, the manifold evolution of relationships have made it even unsafe to assume that everyone's after a heterosexual relationship. A few months back when I was a door to door salesmen, I managed to meet people of all sorts. And in my many different encounters with people, I've met people that were part of vast forms of relationship; more than I could actually imagine. Looking at those relationships can be disheartening to see how unappealing and tainted relationships have become.

Today's a very special day for my very dear flatmate, Matthew. The day that He and Voon Shan has been waiting for has finally arrived and in the midst of family and friends, they committed themselves to each other. As I listened to their speeches and also found out more about them, I began to discern that though this whole concept of 'the one' has lost it's appeal to me, I've learned to look at it from a different angle. God has never said in His Word that we are all pre-destined to love and marry 'the one' that we all will one day meet. But at the same time, God is a God that answers when we ask and seek Him. God is also the same God that gave Eve to Adam, Rebecca to Isaac, Rachel to Jacob, Ruth to Boaz and now, Voon Shan to Matthew. When we seek after God's will and ask Him to have His way in us; when we put our trust in the captain of our ships for direction; and when we pray and ask God for that special someone, He answers.

Today, I am reminded that the author of true love is none other than my Father. He demonstrated true and attested love through the sacrifice of His Son and only He can substantiate love in it's purest form. And when we choose to live our lives according to His Word, we are able to experience and see for ourselves the beauty and piety of love. Matthew and Voon Shan has been testified as God loving people and through their wedding today, I'm able to recollect that beautiful and sterling picture of relationship that God has intended for man and wife.

What Have We Become?

2010-04-29T15:13:00.004+12:00

Yesterday afternoon, I was updating my status on Facebook. My food for thought came in the line of these words, "everyone did as they saw fit." It took me awhile to construct a sentence that will not cost too much confrontational comments or people trying to show off their "philosophies".

As of late I've been really hindered by the way people are behaving around me. I feel like I'm living in a generation of lawlessness. The "christians" today just put me off sometimes. I'm not trying to be self-righteous here or put myself in a bird's eye view and point fingers at the world cause I know I am never excluded. But the frustration of seeing how people don't have any stands that come from the Word makes me cringe in disgust. People are making decisions based on everything except what God is saying in His Word.

I came across the book of Judges from someone's devotional blog post yesterday and the passage was taken from Judges 19-21. I've read this passage a couple of times and it never fails to put a loathsome feeling in my heart. If God's intent was to show how low humanity's morality can degrade to, this will be the passage. In this few chapters, it talks about an unidentified Levite in Ephraim that was heading home from Bethlehem after getting a concubine for himself. But the journey took a twist as he had to stay for the night and an old man in Gibeath (in Benjamin) invited him to stay the night.

"They had something to eat and drink. While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, 'Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.' The owner of the house went outside and said to them, 'No, my friends don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this disgraceful thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don't do such a disgraceful thing.' But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight. When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, 'Get up; let's go. But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home." Judges 19:21-28

The Levite then cut the dead concubine into 12 pieces and sent them to all the 12 tribes of Israel. A war broke lose as they all armed themselves to go against Benjamin. The final words of the book of judges were these, "In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit." And I have to admit, that hasn't changed in the world that we live in today. Many that claim to be our very own brothers and sisters in Christ themselves don't see the urging need to put God as their Lord and master, looking unto Him for wisdom and prudence.

How is it that we can use God's name in vain and feel absolutely fine with it?

How is is that we can call ourselves a Christian and still swear?

How is it that we don't have any regard about the choice of words we use?

How is it that we don't talk about God's goodness in our lives?

How is it that we can be so slanderous?

How is it that we can sing these words, "You are my everything. You are all I need" when every decision is about their selfish ambitions?

How is it that we can be so shameless about our sins?

How is it that we can be so unforgiving?

How is it that we can be so hateful?

How is it that we can be so ignorant about the things God have to say about holiness?

How is it that we can take sin so lightly?

How is it that the world is now our friend?

In the words of DC Talk, "What have we become? In a world of degenerating."

Project Clean Up

2010-04-19T15:41:00.006+12:00

3:00 pm

Came back with groceries.

3:05 pm

Walked into the house with super heavy bags of groceries.

3:06 pm

Opened the fridge and was wondering how I'm going to fit my groceries.

3:07 pm

Started arranging the stuff around to make space.

3:15 pm

Still arranging the stuff around.

3:16 pm

Project clean up starts!

I never knew cleaning up a refrigerator could be so much work and mess. Don't get me wrong, it's not my first time cleaning one but this time was different. The experience definitely pushed me a lil' over the line. Well, what do you expect from a flat filled with working bachelors?

So for the pass hour, or at least it felt like an hour, I managed to remove lots of rotten fruits and vegetables, a rotten herbal chicken (amazing huh?), clean up lots of water and ice and gave it a good wipe.

As I was finishing up, I saw the window panes and decided to gave it a good wipe. Then I saw the stove and gave it a wipe as well.

When I was about to put down the cloth, I had this thought in my head. It made me wonder how was it like for God to clear out all this mess in our lives. All the rotten stuff, dirt and scum sticking around in our lives; how does He clean it over and over again, with the knowledge that we will mess it up again? I really don't know. But I know one thing, that He is faithful and just. With what He has promised us through the work of our Lord Jesus Christ on the cross of calvary, we can rely on Him to always clean our mess.

"Come now, let us reason together", says the Lord.

"Though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red as crimson,

they shall be like wool."

Isaiah 1:18

4:10 pm

Project clean up completed.

Pre-Run Thoughts

2010-02-20T23:04:00.003+13:00

Tomorrow marks a year after I ran my very first fun run in my life. The Wellington Round the Bays 7k was where it all begin. My journey in losing weight, in experiencing true endurance, and in discovering the joy of running; it all began there. Now one year has passed and things and so much has happened. In my pursuit of a healthier lifestyle, I managed to lose 20 kgs of my weight and was at my peak in terms of health and fitness. However, nearing the 2nd half of the year and my time back in Malaysia, things went back to the old routine and I hardly did any runs.

Now I'm standing at square one again and starting this all over again. Within the passed one month, I've managed to clock a good amount of 50 kms. With better preparation for the run this time, I hope to finish the race with a better time. It was 45 minutes last year and hopefully I won't go beyond that.

After so many years of fighting obesity and being unhealthy, I realized one thing: you are what you do to your body. And that applies to our Christian walk as well. Last night at bible study on the book of Galatians, this verse stood out for me, "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." I'm glad God reminded me of what I wanted to achieve this year, in terms of handling my weight as well as my spiritual walk. It was my prayer that God will continue to keep me accountable to my goals and He has demonstrated me His faithfulness. Indeed those words, "I'll never leave you nor forsake you" has been shown to me. Let that be my motivation to keep me going in pursuing physical reconstruction and spiritual journey.

Invictus

2010-02-03T00:31:00.005+13:00

6 months seem like a very short period of time, and it is indeed. For the many weeks, months and years to come, I do pray that God will continue to teach us to show grace and love just like how He showed us through His son the Lord Jesus Christ, unconditionally.

While watching this movie directed by Clint Eastwood, this poem was the main highlight:

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

This poem's called, "Invictus", which means "undefeated", written by an English poet named William Ernest Henley. I found this poem to be very honest and it's nothing new that man tends to believe that they are the masters of their fate and the captains of their sole. They do whatever they want with their life and always put themselves in the driver seat. But when they come to the end of their lives, they stand before God and they come face to face with the real master of their fate. The Bible tells us that man is destined to live their lives once and when they leave this world, judgment awaits them. For the past weeks, through my own encounters with different people, I'm beginning to believe that majority of the people of this world including myself lives out daily the lines from this poem, including people that claim to be followers of the true God.

We claim that He is our provider but deep down, our roots are wrapped around mammon.

We proclaim Him time and time again as the person we want to live for, the only person we need, and everything we ever wanted, and yet the things we live for, the things we need, and the things we ever wanted, is not Him.

We throw our hands in the air when we say we will follow Him to the ends of the world, yet we are not ready to move out of our own comfort zone.

With all our proclamations of who God is in our lives, yet our principals, ethics, thoughts, speech, actions never seem to bring any resemblance of one that fears the God of heaven and earth.

I fear for myself because I am one of those people.

I also fear because I look at that poem and I see a clear reflection of myself in it.

I tend to see myself as the master of my fate and that's why I make my own decisions.

I also tend to see myself as the captain of my own soul because I do whatever I want with my life.

But yet, I feel this invictus inside me. This invictus does not come from my human instinct, but from a helper; the Holy Spirit. And with His help, I've no fear and I know I can continue to live freely and victoriously. I can live an invictus life. Another person by the name of David, son of Jesse, wrote this Psalm and I believe He found the true meaning of being undefeated because He found the one true God:

The Lord is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

He maketh me lie down in green pastures:

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness

For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through

The valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil:

For though art with me;

Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me

In the presence of my enemy:

Thou anointest my head with oil;

My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy

Shall follow me all the days of my life:

And I will dwell in the House of the Lord for ever.

Reminiscence of GLO

2010-01-13T00:06:00.002+13:00

It’s been 12 days into the new year and I would say that things have been moving rather quickly of late. Time seems to move faster whenever we want it to slow down and for my last few weeks in Malaysia, time has not been very gracious; not at all. I’m currently waiting for my last flight back to Wellington from Auckland and I’m just trying to recall my time back home in Malaysia, especially the last few weeks. Two weekends ago, my family decided to spend New Years in Kuala Lumpur. It was more of a trip to visit my relatives before I head back to New Zealand, and so it was very well planned and scheduled.

On our way back from Kuala Lumpur, we dropped by Taiping to attend the dedication service for the new intake of GLO Bible School students. The moment we drove into the compound of Taiping Gospel Hall, a feeling of déjà vu came upon me. Nothing of that place has changed chaged since the last time I was here. The mission house, the big tree in the middle of the field, the church building, playground, the swing, the kindergarten, and library; they all seem to be just the same before I left that place.

Stepping out of the car, I walked up the staircase that lead up to the mission house. That staircase was one of my favourite hang out places. I practically did everything on that staircase. It was on that staircase that I learned how to play the guitar, sang to God, did my quiet time, had phases and phases of encounters with God and even times of pain and tears. I remember I would also sit at that staircase every Sunday, waiting and looking out for new students that might come and enroll for the weekly courses. Moving into the house, I saw the holes that were scattered on a particular spot of the wall. We used to have a dartboard there and thus explain all the holes, thanks to our lousy skills. There was also the chair that I used to sit and read my papers, read books, do my homework, play the guitar and occasionally take my nap. In the middle of the hall was the dinner table, where meals, conversations, group devotions, laughter and fellowship happened. To the far right was my room and I couldn’t help but remember how hot and humid that room was in the noon, giving me those sweaty nap times. The nighttime were the time when the mosquitoes would swarm the place, and without the use of electronic mats, sprays and coils, I would’ve been sucked dry by the mosquitoes. There were the good times of laughter (lots of laughter) that took place whenever my friends came and visit me from Penang. Nevertheless, there were also times of fear and testing of my faith that took place in that room as well. Outside the house was the playground and I could see how I used to be everywhere in this area. I would be playing soccer by myself in the afternoon, or basketball with the netball hoop from the storeroom. On days that are not so hot, I’ll lie on top of the cement tubes and stare into the sky. Some afternoons I’ll be at the library, reading books or magazines. Evenings after dinner, I’ll be playing the guitar and singing on the swing. During the World Cup season, I watched football matches at the backroom of the church or play the piano in the church hall.

My time spent at GLO Bible School Taiping, was one of the most significant times of my life. It was significant because I never believed that I could ever come out of this school sane, considering the amount of time I had to spend alone. It was during the loneliest period of my life that I discovered God. Because I had no one else to talk to, I had a lot of time to think and also to talk and listen to God. And those times were are so precious to me. Eight years have passed on now and so much has happened in my life. So much has come to pass and as the day goes, memories of my time in GLO have slowly died. But I know that all these memories that I had was not merely for my own pleasure or pride, to know that I was once a Bible School student.

I left Taiping that night, knowing that God wanted me to remember what He thought me during my time there, and that is to have constant communication and dependence on Him. He thought me to listen and talk to Him as if He was in front of me. Yet, that lesson’s becoming so weak in my life that I only talk to God now as if He’s above me. I yearn for those times when I can have conversations with God like friends. May this message that God has given me as a farewell gift to New Zealand, be realized in my life this year.

I used to say this very phrase in my testimony in sharing my experience in GLO and I hope God can remind of the significance of what I said,

“During my time at GLO, my only friends were Yamaha (guitar), Wilson (volleyball), and Jesus.”

Year Review

2009-12-29T14:57:00.003+13:00

After much procrastination, I managed to start packing my room yesterday. My mom packed all my stuff that I left behind into a few boxes and so I had some sorting out to do. I picked the heaviest box and started taking out the items one by one. Most of the items were really old and it felt like I was going through my past as I went through every single item. There were letters, postcards, photographs, cassette tapes, diaries, notes, camp booklets, camp photographs, and even love letters. In the midst of my excitement in going through all these old stuff, I picked up a really old and dusty notebook. Flipping through the pages, I realized that this was a devotional diary that I had during my time at GLO Bible School Taiping. That feeling of going through all those thoughts that I had reading God's word previously, was just so refreshing. The hardest part was trying to recall what I was going through that period of time because I don't recall me having that much problems except coping with the lonely life I had then.

After reading that diary, I had that sudden urge of looking back at my life, especially this year. This year, as mentioned many times in my other posts, have been a busy and hectic year. Work has been a blessing in disguise. Through all the early mornings, time pressures, and fatigue, I've can only say that God has been gracious in providing me with the abilities to overcome them. For as far as I could remember, I would always utter this prayer before I go to work, "Lord, give me the strength to do my job well." And God has never let me down. I've always been able to go through my work with not much complications. Even when things go bad, God has always helped me overcome it.

Being part of ICF (International Christian Fellowship) was one of the blessings I had this year. Seeing how God has worked through this student led organization has been amazing. Time and time again I've been stretched while being part of this organization and truly, God is strong when I'm weak. There is no denying that when we depend on our own strength, we will wear out and we will feel burned out. Yes, we are not robots and our flesh can feel weak, but when we put our faith in ourselves instead of God, then our flesh is burdened and becomes weary. I shared these words at the AGM when I stepped down from the committee, "Through my time of service in ICF, God has thought me that as a Christian, suffering is inevitable, so that I can learn to trust him more and more."

One of the major events for me this year, which I've not mentioned much in this blog, is someone new in my life. Through this person, God thought me that when He provides, He provides the best, and He does listen to our prayers even when we don't think so. After ending my previous relationship, I went through a long period of self-discovery and maturity. But throughout that period of time, I never ceased to pray for a life partner. And though my faith was small in waiting, God has preserved me well. He made sure things don't work out for those that I've previously pursued, until I met Sarah. It was something hard to believe, but when it has all been revealed to me, I realized that God has been working all these while. Looking at my relationship with Sarah now, I have only praise for Him. All that I've not been able to see, all the doubts and fears I had were all put now put away because I believe that God has already provided and will continue to provide.

Through all these blessings, I've also faced a couple of challenges this year. The most evident challenge was the challenge of staying in 2KP. During my stay there, I've been challenged from all angles, stretch from left to right, put into uncomfortable positions and I believe this has been a really golden experience for me. At the end of my term there, God made me realize that through that very disciplined lifestyle I had to follow, there was much I could take with me for the future. I'm sure this would be very useful experience for me next time when I've my own family. Living as a student and a family is very different and through my time in 2KP, I've learned to not only live as a family, but as a family of God's redeemed people. It was a hard and suppressing experience, but I've much to thank God for.

This year has not been a year of good blogging for me. Somehow, my passion in wanting to write good materials have dwindled down this year. There was a long period of silence from me nearing the end of the year and for the first time, I had a month without a single post.

Another challenge is my involvement in church. Throughout my time in New Zealand so far, I've only been active in ICF and hardly involved in church. I yearn very much to be involved with church, but that opportunity has never been there. Sometimes I question if it is a matter of opportunity or willingness. For the past few months in Malaysia, God has rekindled that passion in wanting to serve Him again. But like what Mr. Eng Huat mentioned before, that no matter how much you serve, your personal relationship with God should take more priority.

For year 2010, I really do hope to change a couple of things. I realized that my desire to study God's word has been dying. Due to the saturation of good solid teaching and the lack of effort, I've lost this love for the Word of God. But in 2010, I want to pick it up again. Service to God's church, is another thing I want to strive for. On Sunday, as I was flipping through my Bible during the Lord's supper, I realized that after I go back to New Zealand, I won't have the opportunity to practice my priesthood anymore. There will be no more open worship where brothers are led by the Spirit to worship God. Would it be a good idea to go back to a pure brethren church where the other 20 members are aged 50 and beyond? I can only pray and let God's spirit lead me.

In that diary that I read, I remember writing down the lyrics of this particular song sung by Petra,

I don't have much to offer You,

I don't have much to give

There's so much I may never be as long as I may live,

But if You choose me to use me,

There's just one reason why:

I am available, I am available,

I will go when You say go,

I am available, I am available,

I will stop when You say no,

My whole life was incomplete till I laid it at Your feet,

So use me as You will, I am available.

The pages after that were blank. And as I asked myself why there was nothing written after that, I realized that I wrote the lyrics of that song on the last few days before graduating.

Maybe it's time to continue on what I've left behind years ago.

May 2010, be that year that I pickup the empty pages and fill it with a life filled with obedience to my King and Master.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T23:37:00.004+13:00

This time last year, I was waiting for a bus in the cold at the bus stop in front of my friend's house. That day was not one of my best days in New Zealand and after spending 6 hours in front of the computer in a cyber cafe, and having instant noodles at a friend's place over dinner, I prayed that I'll never need to go through another day like that ever. But through that experience, I'm more thankful and appreciative for Christmas. May the thought of our Lord's birth continue to remind us of His sacrifice for us on that cruel tree. Blessed Christmas!

Christmas Isn’t Christmas

'till it happens in your heart,

Somewhere deep inside you

Is where Christmas really starts;

So give your heart to Jesus,

you'll discover when you do

That it’s Christmas

Really Christmas for you.

Statutes of Liberty

2009-12-23T05:39:00.002+13:00

On the 11th of December, I updated my Facebook status with these words: December is never complete without going to Bible Camp.

I find that to be very true, especially for me. From my early teenage years I've been attending this camp, up until my college days and I'm still not done going to this camp. At an age that's far older than the rest of the campers, I'm still enjoying the camp as much. And I believe that this year has been no different.I have said this before in one of my posts, where I've never failed to enjoy and learn something from Bible Camp, and I can confidently say it again. This year's Bible Camp has come by as another learning experience for me as God took me through a spectacular journey.

In order for me to make the story complete, I'll need to start from 2 week before the camp took off. I remembered very clearly, it was a Monday afternoon at a coffee shop. The weather was blazing hot, so Justin and I decided to go get some 'ice kacang'. While at the table, he pre-maturely announced to me that I was chosen as one of the leaders of the group. I was having mixed feelings at that time, not knowing what was installed for me. There was that part of me that was brewing with excitement, and yet fractions of me that also felt nervous and inadequate. Sunday came, and all the leaders gathered to be briefed and also for a time of prayer. As I looked at my list of campers, I was smacking my head because I hardly knew any of the campers. There were hardly any senior campers and I couldn't help but look at my team and think that I'll not make a good leader and the team will not do well.

The following week, camp took off and things didn't seem to be going well at all. My group had the least amount of guys with a couple of them dropping out. The girls were really young and to top it all off, almost everyone were quiet and inactive. As the days pass, things got worse when one of them left the campsite for a few days and my assistant was down with fever. And surely, my team performed really bad. We had bad scores for dormitory cleanliness and sports, being left behind in the race. But the main impact came through the atmosphere of the group. Because most of them were quiet, that kinda shaped the dynamics of the group, causing most them to be unmotivated or had any intentions of making any social contact. Whenever we had any group devotions, there was hardly any noise and it would be me making all the announcements and trying to crack up lame jokes to get them laughing/talking. The noise and laughter from the other groups didn't seem to help make the situation any easier and even I myself wish I was not from this group. But the crunch came on Wednesday night when one of my unofficial leaders came to me and expressed what she felt about the team. I for one was also discouraged and I felt like letting go. There were so many thoughts of giving up and letting the team run at it's current condition and just let them do what they want. I was at that point where I was tired of making the effort to spur the group to do better. The other leaders from were also complaining on how hard it was to organize and discipline their own teams. And for them, they used the harsh and hard approach to get the team into one piece. I thought to myself, whether I wanted to also use that same approach on my team in order to push them into action. But as I pondered about it that night, I began to realize that there was no way things are gonna change, unless I ask God for help. As the group of guys were waiting for me in the dormitory to give them my pep talk, I said a simply prayer to God.

I don't really remember what came out of my lips, but whatever it is, I truly believe God was behind it. For the rest of the camp, we pretty much won every single event. Even the most unexpected Blockbuster Night was won by us when we performed a rather unprepared musical.

Our streak pretty much went on until the end of the camp and we won, by a considerable margin.

Bible Camp has always been like a yearly review for me and I believe that God uses this camp to always make me realize what I've been doing throughout the year. This year has been particularly busy for me due to the amount of commitments I've made. Throughout the year, I'm sad to say that there were many times when I depended on my own strength to survive the busyness. No doubt, I do ask God for strength, but many times, my heart does not match my words. And through this experience, I've learned that I should always allow God be the leader, just like Moses, Joshua, Gideon, and even Jesus Himself. May it be when I'm playing a role as a leader, or even when it comes to leading my own life. Let everything be done with trust in the Holy Spirit and it's abilities. When we realize that we're inadequate and only God can carry us forward, that's when we learn to depend more and more on God and less on ourselves.

There were many ups and downs this year and if it were a lesson that I could learn, is that I should invest more of my trust in the Lord. Such a basic and simple lesson, yet so hard to execute.

One of the things I really enjoyed about the camp was the sermons by brother Eng Huat. God has truly blessed Him with such clear understanding of the scripture and I was one of the many campers that were challenged after hearing what God had installed for us through him. One of the verses that has stuck with me throughout the camp was from John 8:34-36, which says, "Jesus answered them: Verily, verily I say unto you, whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin. And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: But the Son stays ever. If the Son therefore shall make you free, you shall be free indeed."

As a Christian, I've always struggled with this question on how should I live as a victorious Christian. Many Christians including myself always fall into that cycle of sin-1 John 1 9-sin. But God has given His word to show us that we are liberated from the slavery of sin and even though it seems impossible to live as victorious Christians; it is not impossible at all.

On the last day of camp, I gave a last speech to my group and as we were holding our medals, I remember saying something along this line, "Let us look at our medals now and be it a reminder to us, that when we look at this piece of metal, it'll remind us that what man thinks is impossible, with God it's possible."

Is liberty really that out of reach? I know I've asked this question countless times, and God's answer has always been the same and will continue to be the same: If the Son therefore shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.

Dying Things

2009-11-10T10:49:00.004+13:00

Last night, I went to watch this new movie with Sarah, titled, "My Sister's Keeper". For all those Korean drama fans, this one is a definite watch for you. For gutsy guys, it's still a good movie to watch and I do highly recommend it. I won't want to spoil the story but the gist of the movie is about the lives that revolve around this girl that was dying of cancer. Among the various characters in the movie, I found the character of the mom really interesting. For all the years the daughter had cancer, she did all she could to keep her alive. Because none of them (including husband and son) was incapable of helping her, they made a test tube baby as a donor.

Throughout the entire movie, the mom seemed to be the only one that's not willing to let her daughter die. Despite the fact that she's ready to die and go, the mom was insistent that she can survive and fought hard to keep her alive. But eventually, she accepted that fact and let go.

How many times have we hung on tight on to things in life and not let go? Sometimes the things that we hold onto are just dying and we insist that we can keep it alive and do whatever we can to keep it alive. But dying things, will eventually die, no matter how hard we try to keep it alive and the only changing variable is time. I realized that God was telling me that there are things in my life that I need to learn to let go. These things are dying and affecting me but I'm just not willing to let it go.

Maybe it's time to get a self-check from God's word.

I'm In Repair

2009-11-05T23:31:00.002+13:00

Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

I'm in repair

I'm not together but I'm getting there

I'm in repair

I'm not together but I'm getting there

Learning How To Smile

2009-09-22T11:39:00.003+12:00

Just about 6 days ago, I was at work and I asked God this question, "Father, in a couple of days I'll be turning 25. How about a birthday message from You?"

As soon as I said that, I heard a loud crash coming from the front. My boss just dropped a container with some rice in it. And before I could say anything, she laughed and threw away the rice.

Thinking about it, my boss always laughs whenever she makes a mistake or something out of her expectation happens. Due to her small size, she's quite often a lil' more clumsy with the heavier things but I've never seen her lose her temper. However, I don't think I can say the same thing about myself. Whenever something goes wrong; may it be with the rice not cooked properly, not being able to keep to my schedule or some clumsy action happens, I get affected. It changes my mood and I might even throw in a frown or a sigh. But looking at how my boss reacts taught me a valuable lesson (Well, not exactly something new but still a refreshing one). I remembered at the beginning of the year, I had trouble juggling around with so many things in my life. But God taught me that suffering as a Christian was character building and teaches me to depend on God. That lesson has slowly dwindled by now and God is reminding me again that I can always look at my problems and smile at them.

On Friday morning, God encouraged me as I started a new book in the Bible, Joshua and this verse was given to me, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Being 25 today, I truly thank God for such a timely message. He has truly been faithful to me this year despite my ups and downs in my Christian walk. And now, I look forward to what is being installed for me in this coming year. Many things are gonna change and I'm excited to see where God leads me. There's going to be so much that I'll need to learn to adapt to in the coming year as I progress into my next phase in life as a working adult. I'll be juggling different things in my life by then and it'll feel like a whole new experience. But most importantly, amongst everything, I want to learn to do something in this coming year. I want to learn how to smile.

Not Done Yet!

2009-08-31T02:27:00.002+12:00

I'm currently having a writer's block.

There have been thoughts where maybe its time for me to say goodbye to this blog, but I just can't let go. This blog has been really close to my heart and there's just too much memories that's been recorded. I seriously hope I'll be able to blog again, though I don't know when. But it won't be a goodbye; I'm pretty sure about that.

I know this blog has still more to offer.

God will inspire me to write again for sure.

Jewelries

2009-08-03T10:45:00.003+12:00

You shall make the breastplate of judgment. Artistically woven according to the workmanship of the ephod you shall make it: of gold, blue, purple, and scarlet thread, and fine woven linen, you shall make it. It shall be doubled into a square: a span shall be its length, and a span shall be its width. And you shall put settings of stones in it, four rows of stones.

The first row shall be a sardius, a topaz, and an emerald this shall be the first row.

The second row shall be a turquoise, a sapphire, and a diamond;

the third row, a jacinth, an agate and an amenthyst,

and the fourth row, a beryl, an onyx, and a jasper.

They shall be set in gold settings.

And the stones shall have the names of the sons of Israel, twelve according to their names, like the engravings of a signet, each one with its own name; they shall be according to the twelve tribes.

So Aaron shall bear the names of the sons of Israel on the breastplate of judgment over his heart, when he goes into the holy place, as a memorial before the Lord continually.

Exodus 28

I'm reminded this morning of how special I am in God's eyes. I am unique in every way because a topaz is not a sapphire and an onyx is not a jasper. Most importantly, He continually remembers me.

You & Me

2009-08-03T00:20:00.002+12:00

What day is it? And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up and I can't back down

I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me

And all other people

With nothing to do and nothing to prove

And it's you and me

And all other people

And I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes from you

Take My Hand, Precious Lord

2009-07-27T08:45:00.002+12:00

Precious Lord, take my hand

Lead me on, let me stand

I am tired, I am weak, I am worn,

Through the storm, through the night

Lead me on to the light

Take my hand precious Lord, lead me home.

Comeback!

2009-07-26T21:28:00.003+12:00

I haven't been updating much about my life of late, but one of the highlights in my life at the moment are the two sports group that I'm currently involved in. One would be the University's Running Academy and the other would be the Hearty Crayz Basketball Team. The running academy team that I was involved in took part in the Wellington Harbour Runs in the month of June and I participated in the 10k event. It was my very first 10k race as well as my first time running as part of a team. Let me just briefly talk about this running academy that I'm part of. It was started by a group of staff members from the university's gymnasium and because of their passion for running, they decided to help students that want to improve their running capabilities. Each member was given a personal training schedule and we meet twice a week; one for core training and another for group runs and activities. The staff members are all active runners and one of the trainers has a very impressive running record, ranking as one of the most promising runners in the country. Besides all those perks, the best part of the deal is that they never charged us a single dollar. Everything was done on a voluntary basis and they take lots of effort to educate and help us improve.

I was quite a regular in this team at first but as the weeks passed by, I kinda slacked due to other commitments and exams. At the finishing line, we all gathered and exchanged our finishing times. Since most of us did the 10k race event, we were able to compare our times. Turned out, I was the only one that finished the race beyond 60 minutes. All those that did the 10k finished below 60 minutes and I felt embarrassed in some way because I knew that my slacking was the reason behind my poor performance. Some of the members started with lots of trouble during the group run sessions and I remembered how we had to wait for them because their fitness were not up to par. But in the race, their time were all better than mine by a fair bit.

For Hearty Crazy, it has been a couple of months of weekly basketball games. We failed to win a single game throughout the whole season and though we came close in the last few weeks, we still lost. But last week, we finally got our first win. As a team we knew we deserved the win because we have been trying hard to improve our game. However, I would think that I was the exception. On the way back, Phil and Greg were filled with joy because they played more minutes than me and they were major contributors to the game. And when the win finally came, I understood how much it meant to them. But I wasn't really part of the games. Due to my slacking once again, I was only asked to get onto the court to relief some of the main players and give them some rest periods. Because of that, I wasn't able to experience the full extend of their happiness.

On Wednesday last week, I was at work and somehow I felt compelled to talk to God and as I allowed Him to speak, I begin to realize how my sports deterioration has been a reflection of my life as well. I am currently in the last weeks of serving as part of the committee for ICF and somehow there's this big shadow of complacency overshadowing me. It was as if I've given up in this journey of service and that desire to serve the Lord is slowly dying as each day passes.

But as God was talking to me, He reminded me of how I used to not hold back my efforts and joy in serving God and helping Him in the expansion of His Kingdom. But now, I shamefully admit that I am no longer experiencing that same joy. God then reminded of the time when I didn't do well in the 10k running event. Everyone put in their fair amount of effort to improve their running abilities while I slacked and in the end they enjoyed their fruits while I missed out. In basketball, I missed out on that joy of gaining our well-earned victory because I've not worked hard enough to bring up my level of gameplay. Using those examples, God was telling me that if I'm going to slack in helping God's Kingdom to grow, I'll miss out on that joy in the future. One day when everything concludes and God's Kingdom has finally come to realization, those that has worked hard for that day would be celebrating and rejoicing and I will not be able to experience the full extend of that joy.

It's easy to blame the situations in our lives and just settle for what we end up with.

I'm busy, so I can't make time to go for runs.

I'm too tired to take some time to do drills to improve my movements on the court.

I'm too burned out to serve God.

But I'm not satisfied.

I'm not satisfied with the fact that everyone clocked a good time at the race except me.

I'm not satisfied that the other players managed to improve their game except me.

I'm not satisfied with my lackluster performance as a servant of God.

And because I'm not satisfied, I'm challenged by God to make a change in those areas. Stepping of that comfort zone and get back on the tracks, court and journey is not easy. However, I trust that God is able to rekindle that flame in my heart, to be passionate over all these things again. There's only 2 more weeks till my next 10k race, 4 more weeks till the end of the basketball season and another month or so of being an ICF committee. I don't believe it's too late to redeem myself now and prove a comeback. If God is on my side, nothing's impossible. Watch me!

His Wounds Have Paid My Ransom

2009-07-06T14:47:00.004+12:00

Just moments ago, I found freedom. I've searched for this release for many years and now I can finally let go of that part of my past.

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

Relying On God

2009-06-02T22:49:00.002+12:00

"On 6, Hearty Craze."

"1, 2, 3."

"Hearty!"

"4, 5, 6."

"Craze!"

For the past 3 weeks, I've played 2 games for this basketball team called Hearty Crazy. Greg wanted to play some regular competitive basketball and after some contacting, he managed to get into a team, bringing Phil and myself along. On the first day, we just went to the court and met up with the rest of the team. Turned out, most of us hardly know each other and we were just a group of old and semi-old players. Majority of the team would be around their 30s and 40s, leaving Greg, Phil and I as the younger players for the team. But we had lots of fun playing in that team. They were positive, supportive and played the game as a worthy team effort. Today was game 3 for the team, but game 2 for me. To sum that game up, it was bad. We didn't perform well, or at least I know I didn't perform at all. It was one of those really bad games where everything was just not on your side. Bad shots, weak legs, failed box outs, turnovers, bad fouls, and pretty much owned in every way.

The weekend that just passed, and I played for Phil's church basketball team in a tournament. We managed to reach the finals but ended up losing by a substantial margin in the last game. As I was thinking about the two losses I went through in just a few days, I somehow felt that I have become so accustomed to losing especially when it comes to basketball. That taste of defeat has no longer left any bitter feelings for me cause I've never really won anything in this sport. For the numerous competitions that I've played in, I might have only won one or two. But the love for this sport has never stoped me from playing. Whenever there's that opportunity to play, I know I'll never resist it no matter how hard I try to say, "No".

As I was pondering about this, I remembered the sermon that was preached in church yesterday. For a long time, I've not listened to a chinese man speak on the pulpit and yesterday, someone from Singapore spoke. He wasn't Malaysian, but it was close enough to home. His message was simple, straight to the point and yet challenging. He used the example of King Asa to show us how important it was to rely on God. Nothing pleases the Lord more than obedience and I felt that God has been placing that burden upon my heart.

Hath the Lord as great delight

in burnt offerings and sacrifice,

as in obeying the voice of the LORD?

Behold, to obey

is better than sacrifice,

and to hearken

than the fat of lamb.

What is having success in the things that I do? For all my life, I've been chasing so many dreams. May it be in basketball, guitars, music, sports, knowledge, or creativity, I've always believed that one day my time will come. But today God is telling me to let go of those dreams. The dreams that this world gives will one day wither like the grass in the fields. But the dreams that God can give me will be for eternity and imperishable. I've always thought that relying on God simply means to do things in the name of God. To commit everything that I do to the LORD and just go on with it. But does it really mean depending on God when I still depend on my own strength and just want the success by sucking it up to God by asking for "superior abilities" and blessings? Truly, I've got it all wrong. Relying on God is total surrender. I can't say for sure that I know what it means to totally surrender and rely on Him. But I really want to say what D.L. Moody said in reply to Henry Varley, when he said,

"It remains to be seen what God will do with a man who gives himself up wholly to Him."

"Well, I will be that man." says D.L. Moody.

I also want to be that man Father.

Show me and teach me

To surrender myself wholly to You.

Amen.

Rainbow Connection

2009-05-22T16:12:00.002+12:00

Why are there so many

Songs about rainbows

What's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions

But only illusions

Rainbows have nothing to hide

What's so amazing

That it keeps us stargazing

And what do they think we might see?

Someday we'll find it,

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep?

And have you heard the voices

I've heard them calling my name

Is this the sweet sound, that calls the young sailors?

The voice might be wanting the same

I've heard it too many times to ignore it

And I think it could be

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection

The lovers, dreamers and me

For the past few days, this song has been playing in my mind. I totally forgot about this song until I somehow bumped into it and remembered how I used to like this song even as a very young boy. I first saw and listened to this song when it was sung by Kermit the Frog in the Muppet show. For some time, I hummed this tune in my head because I related to the words, as a young dreamer.

When I was a kid, I was a frequent day dreamer. School teachers always complained to my parents that I loved to day dream because I dreamed about everything under the sun and asked about everything in life.

Is it possible to stand on clouds?

What is it like to be able to fly?

Why can't I be a ninja turtle?

Why must I go to school?

Can I draw and make things come to life?

What am I going to be when I grow up?

One day, this question popped up in my head, "Where will I go after I die?"

That marked the start of my journey in search for salvation. It took me many years to look for that answer but today, I know where my eternal home is.

I thank God that He made me a dreamer and I believe that I'm still a dreamer today.

And one day when I'm in heaven, I'll ask my Father where's the rainbow connection.

"You Are The Man"

2009-05-18T16:05:00.005+12:00

Today marked the end of a week long experience that God used to once again, reconstruct the new me. It all began at this exact time and day, a week ago. We were in the library doing a bible study preparation session on 2 Samuel 12. As we were discussing, there were two issues that I couldn't get an agreement from anyone. The discussion soon became quite intense when I deliberately choose to stand my ground and the rest not wanting to give in. I was reaching my boiling point over some of the comments that I took very personally. And as my voice became gradually louder, someone interrupted our heated discussion by reminding us that we had to finish the study by a certain time.

After the study, I went home, got changed and went out for a run. I did a 1k sprint to release all my frustration and cool my head. After that, I did another 5k on a gradual pace and just talked to God. I told him my frustrations and how these people were wrong in their doctrines. As I was still letting out my frustration, this verse was hurled out to me like a dagger:

"You are the man!"

Immediately, I stopped running. Even though I had music blasting over my ears, those were the only words I could hear, ringing over and over again. And as I started running again, I asked God to enlighten me.

For context sake, the passage is about God confronting David of his sins through the prophet Nathan. And after Nathan told David of a parable where a rich man took a lamb of a poor man, though he had so much of his own, David was quick to judge and condemn. Those words said by Nathan as a reply to David's response to say that he is the man in the parable. And as those exact same words were thrown at me, God was saying that I am the one that needs to change. Looking back at the whole night of the Bible study preparation, my attitude was outrightly wrong. I thought I was correct because I always believed I was more well versed when it came to Bible knowledge. I was very proud of the fact that I was brought up in the Brethren context and my Bible knowledge deserved recognition and I that knew more than anyone in that room. And for the months that I've been here, I've always put on that attitude of knowing it all and other people don't. Nobody has ever came against me and not agree with me, and that continued to fed my pride, making me believe that I was always right. But God brought me down that night from. He allowed, not 1, not 2 but almost everyone to go against what I had to say.

After that incident and knowing what God wanted to teach me, I still believed that what I said that night was right. I accepted that my attitude was wrong, but my belief in what I said still stood strong. When I was talking to my housemate about it, he in someway agreed and disagreed with me but it wasn't helping as my pride was starting to grow again. Then I talked to Bing and I asked for his opinion on my 2 beliefs. And as he explained to me that my view was not very concrete and how it wasn't correct, I was brought down by God once more and this time fully humbled. I accepted my defeat and after wrestling with the matter for almost the whole week, I believe I was done with it and closed it. However, God wasn't done with me.

On Sunday morning during the sermon, He spoke again but this time He challenged me. That week's message was to close up the 3 weeks study of King Solomon. We discussed his rise, the glory of the temple and now his fall. Solomon was known for being the wisest king, and after tasting everything in life he said these very words at the end of the book of Ecclesiastes,

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:

Fear God and keep His commandments,

For this is man's all.

Someone that was blessed with so much wisdom and enlightenment from God and came out with this "life manual", in his old age threw away everything he once believed in. He of all people, knew what this life was about and yet he turned his face from God and followed other idols. And as the speaker was making this point he said this, "Have you become old in faith and put on that perspective that you've been there, done that and there's nothing new in Christianity that you have not experienced before? Has your faith become a theory?"

Those words struck me hard, because I know God was speaking to me and again those words came into my mind, "You are the man".

I left church that day feeling challenged by God; challenged to change my attitude towards my faith. I've been riding on my pride for too long and God needed to bring me back down again. Yes, I might know a lot, but with knowledge and no love, I am purely nothing.

It has been a very long week, and as I close my case, I pray that God will continue to teach me as he takes me through this journey of reconstructing me into what He wants me to be.

We know that we all have knowledge.

Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies.

And if anyone thinks that he knows anything,

He knows nothing yet as he ought to know.

But if anyone loves God,

This one is known by Him.

God's Simple Promises

2009-05-17T03:20:00.005+12:00

Just moments ago, I was talking a friend and we were reminiscing those old Sunday School songs. And we came upon this song that we used to sing:

It's a happy day,

And I thank God for the weather.

It's a happy day,

And I'm living it out for my Lord.

It's a happy day,

Things are gonna get better,

Living each day,

On the promises of God's Word.

I used to sing this song when I wake up in the morning, or when I'm having problems. But I haven't sung it for some time already and remembering it again tonight has reminded me of God's promises. Sometimes, it's just so easy to overlook the simple things God gives and allow our problems to distract us. God reminded me through this very simple song today that I can still rely on His promises; His everlasting provision, love and grace for me.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T21:28:00.004+12:00

After church today, I had lunch with some of my friends. And after watching a video in church of a lil' girl reciting Psalms 23 with the ending quote, "A child's faith starts with the faith of the mother" did spark some conversations about our moms.

One said that her mom was a very prayerful mom and always prayed for her and her siblings when they were in the exam halls. Another one said her faith today was because her mom was one that was full of faith. I remained silent, but inside my heart I smiled because I know my mom's no different from any other mom that loves the Lord.

There will be no words to describe the burdens and pain a mother goes through in raising their children in such a rotten society, especially one that's of today's. I'm yet to go through that phase of parenthood, but through my own family, I can see how my mom fought very hard to keep me and my sister safe from the grip of the world. And yes, our faith today is because of our mom's fervent faith in the Lord.

Happy mother's day mummy; you know I love you very much.

Contrite

2009-04-29T12:17:00.004+12:00

For thus saith the High and Lofty One

that inhabitheth eternity,

whose name is Holy;

"I dwell in the high and holy place,

with Him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit,

to revive the spirit of the humble,

and to revive the heart of the contrite ones..."

Isaiah 57:15

Thank you Father that I can always look unto your Word

for comfort even in times when

I'm torn and tattered,

hurt and damaged,

in pain and tears.

Be my healer God.

New Cut

2009-04-18T22:22:00.004+12:00

After much pondering and weighing,

I decided that it was the best option.

Though it would risk my social status,

I decided that I couldn't care less.

I know some people will look at me strangely,

but it's for my own good.

Finally, after much talking about it even before coming to New Zealand, I've done it.

I've done something that my dad would be very proud of:

Getting a 'botak' haircut!

Hitting Walls

2009-04-18T01:28:00.004+12:00

Pre-run fuel (yogurt and berries shake) checked

Power bar checked

Shoes checked

Ipod checked

Tracks and jacket checked

Nike+ checked

Watch checked

Last Tuesday, I joined a group of runners in a mini running event that they organized. It was actually a regular collective competition as well as a tool to help them get ready for the major run in June. I sadly, only found out about the event a week before their last run but managed to join them anyway. The week before that I was training quite hard and I was desperate to see how much I've progressed from my first race back in February.

After completing that checklist, I headed down to the harbours to meet up with the rest for the runners. It was nothing like what I imagined it to be especially in terms of the participants. The runners were mostly old chaps with a few young ones. As I was lining up I overheard that some of them were even state champions for 10k runs. In total, there was not more than 30 runners there participating. But that didn't bother me much, so I signed up and told them that I would like to run for the 10k. After exchanging a few chats with a few of them, the referee announced that the 10k run will start in a few minutes. I walked down to get ready and warmed up. 10 minutes passed but still no further announcement about the 10k run, so I asked another random runner about it. To my surprise, they already left! Feeling dumb and cheated at the same time, I talked to the referee and he said I can start for the second event which is the 5k.

5k didn't really scare me because I know I've been running more than that distance in my regular training and thought I would just go for it. However, I was very wrong. Pretty much everything went wrong during that run and in short, I "hit the wall". I had no clue what went wrong in my run but I know that for once I felt like I can't run anymore and wanted to collapse. I've never felt like that in my runs before. No matter how amateur I was, I've never had that feeling, and definitely not for a 5k!

Anyway, after 32 minutes, I finally finished the race. Passing the finishing line, I was gasping for air like a drowning fish and it felt horrible indeed. I walked home with no idea why I hit the wall but I knew it was a good experience anyway. However, the effects of that run was far beyond what I expected. Two days after that race and I still didn't get myself on the field. The weekend passed and still no runs. One week passed and I was yet put my shoes on since that run. As I was thinking about it, I began to realize that the experience of that race had a bigger impact on my running career than I imagined. It wasn't about the fact that I had such a bad run, but it was more of that confidence in my abilities dwindling. Suddenly, 5k seemed new again and everything was like when I first started running.

There was nothing I could do but at the same time I really wanted to get onto the field. I desperately wanted to run but there was another part of me was intimidated by the distance of the field and withdrew.

One of the days, I was reading the Runner's World magazine and there was this article on how runners that set too many goals, expectations and plans kill their running careers. In that article, the author talked about how he met this runner on one of his running trips. That individual he met was in his 50s, served the army for 30 years and even survived the Vietnam war. All these was said in a very calm attitude and instead of the usual proud egos that most ex-soldiers would've done. On the day of the run itself, the author saw how he struggled after falling down the slope a couple of times. Later on, the author saw him again and asked if he was holding up well. The responses given back were positive, with no self-pity, anguish, disappointment but with the ability to accept the truth for what it is. The author found this very interesting and thus this quote from him, "Many of us put so much significance on one day in our running lives that we're almost guaranteed to be disappointed. We set goals, have expectations, and make plans based on our egos. We convince ourselves that who we are will be based on what we accomplish that day. When that day doesn't turn out as we expected, we often allow ourselves to be devastated. I've seen runners on the brink of breakdown because they missed their self-imposed standard of performance. But a day is just a day. A race is just a race. It is our selfishness, our self-centeredness that creates the disappointments that we too often let define us." Runner's World (March issue 2009)

After reading that article, my mind switched to a different set of thoughts. I know it's quite cliche to relate how running and races with the Christian walk or life in general. But it was quite a timely reminder for me on how our Christian walk is never determined by a single event. Many times, when we experience failures once, we feel like we're doomed for life. It goes the same for successes. When we experience success once, we pat ourselves on the back and believe that we're doing well. But no one incident in life, in fact, not even 10 or 20 or 1,000 events should determine if we're a success or failure. That's because the race is yet to end. At the end of the day, it's not how many times you fall down. It's the amount of times you decide to stand up and try again.

I felt that this wall that I hit during my run was a necessary one. God thought me that there are many more walls to come, but God is not harsh. Those walls may be big, and those walls are sometimes beyond our capabilities. No men in the bible overcame their walls on their own. And that's why God kept record of all these men in the Bible, to show us that they are like us, incapable of dodging those walls, but being able to stand up after hitting them. How did they do that? Because inside each of them, there was God. Inside us as well, if we have God, should we fear anything? Will it still be impossible to stop running after getting a direct hit of the wall?

Waddle on, brothers and sisters. The finishing line will be in sight one day.

Beautifully Imperfect

2009-04-13T11:20:00.005+12:00

Someone posted this very touching and interesting video on facebook last night. Or at least, I've only managed to watch it last night after a whole weekend of fun at Easter Camp. But that'll be another post some other time. As I was watching this video, I learned quite a few things that God wanted to teach me proceeded from an interesting conversation with Elaine that same night.

As Elaine and I talked about relationships and how God had a part to play in it, I can't help but think about how relationships are changing as the generations pass. Gone were the days of our parents where relationships were simple.

Guy and girl meets in church, work place, school, university etc. Guy likes girl and makes efforts to woo her. Girl likes him and both start a relationship. Marriage was next, and children.

Of course not all relationships were that simple. But there was a vast majority of relationships that went about that cycle and it was clean and clear. And those relationships last for many years with commitment and investment pumped into it constantly.

Today, relationships can get quite complicated with so much exposure to the media. Girls want their guys to have perfect chiseled abs, cash loaded, pamper them and must always make her laugh. Guys want their girls to look hot all the time so that other guy friends can drool, cute for some, and maybe funny for some. Relationships can get so complicated nowadays, when two people like each other, they don't necessarily need to enter into a relationship. They can be "more than friends" and wait and see how it goes in the future. Or they know they like each other, do what couples normally do but don't want to commit to a relationship. Some more extreme cases where couples have kids and still don't want to get married. Girls always talk about their ideal guys and guys talk about their ideal girls, but in truth, no one's perfect.

I for one, confess that I'm following the ways of the world. I do hope for a girls that's attractive and has a string of good qualities but the "God factor" never seems to get a very good position on that check list. For the past 3-4 years, I've tried to make myself a better person because I know, in order to get the perfect girl, I need to make myself perfect as well. That's why I dress up, use colognes, upgrade my knowledge about many things, groom and do everything that I believe will make myself a "perfect guy" material.

Last night on my way back home from church and after a very fruitful time with Elaine, I began to realize so many things. As I talked to God, He began to open my eyes to many things that I know I should take note now. Superficiality is the human way of looking for relationships. We will never make it to perfection no matter how we try and many bachelors make this mistake. They do everything to make themselves the most eligible bachelor and they end up being one for life. Thats because they can't find any girl that's perfect enough to match their qualities. I've always said that I would like to look for someone that puts God first in their heart but from the past few people I've liked, that never seemed to be true. It's all attraction with no interaction with God about it.

God was teaching me that my "perfect" partner will never exist. If I continue searching for her, I'll end up looking for nobody. I never believed in the concept of God providing each and everyone of us "THE ONE AND ONLY", which I know most girls hold dearly to. But I'm sorry, God never promised that in the Bible. In fact God never even said marry the one you love, but love the one you marry. That means the choice is up to us and whoever we marry, whether your choice is right or wrong, you have to love that person.

The message of this video was simple, and I felt compelled by it because it simply magnified what God was telling me that night. And I pray that God will help me one day find that beautifully imperfect person to be part of my life.

Apprentice

2009-03-31T15:12:00.004+13:00

What can't you do when your fourth finger, (or any finger actually) is being sliced/deeply cut?

I can think of a very long list but just to name some:

I can't play my guitar!
Typing in an inefficient speed
Hold your fork properly
Play any basketball
Hold the weight bars properly
Grip my fists
Make sushi properly

Two nights ago, while I was cutting some vegetables and potato, there was some extra "flesh" added to the plate. Yes, you guessed it right; while I was cutting them, I cut my finger as well. When the knife went through the tip of my finger, I pretty much went bonkers. Kirsten and Josh, in the kitchen as well during that time, was surprisingly all calm about it. Kirsten was reading a book that was tickling her the entire time and I think she was still giggling when I was screaming around the kitchen. Josh on the other hand was not trying to look and when Kirsten went to get some band aid, I asked him, "Are you afraid of blood?"

And he answered, "I just ate a whole lot of it! Haha!"

He had a really bloody steak (60% cooked) for dinner moments ago.

I felt really immobile with such a thick gauze wrapped around my finger but I thought to myself, "Yay! I can apply for leave from work this week since my injury's gonna be such a hinderance."

The next day, I walked to the shop and talked to the boss.

Jon: Yuri-san, I can't work this week because I had a deep cut on my finger last night.

Yuri: Oh really? What happened?

*Jon shows her the finger*

Jon: Yeah, it'll be quite hard for me to do all the lifting and cutting with this injury.

Yuri: But I really need you to come to work tomorrow. I need to be away and so you'll need to stand in.

Jon: Ok, cause I don't want to make my injury worse, so I think I should rest it.

Yuri: You can still come and work, but just do the main items like making the Inari, Nigiri and Avocado salad. Can? You won't need to cook any rice and do any lifting or washing. And after I come back from my appointment then you can leave early. I can let you have a leave on Thursday, but tomorrow I can't.

Jon: Ok then. The time's still 6am right?

Yuri: Nevermind, you can come at 7am instead.

Jon: Ok Yuri-san, see you tomorrow then.

Yuri: Thank you! See you tomorrow.

Truthfully, I left the shop in a rather disappointed mode. It wasn't so much of the fact that I couldn't get my off day, but it was more of the fact that I'm being relied on too much. In the shop, there's Yuri-san, myself and 5 other workers. The 5 other workers are sushi makers and I am the kitchen hand. Yuri-san would be the main kitchen person and I was the apprentice. I wish she would actually train another person to also do some of the workload. Even though I only work twice a week, she constantly asks if I could work for one more day. Every time she asks that, I would have to decline due to my lack of time.

Why not train one more apprentice?

Why not that Mongolian guy?

We have a new Mongolian staff that joined not too long ago but he's a sushi maker!

When I first met him I felt that he was capable of doing my job.

Why is his physic being put to waste to make sushi instead?

Mongolians are supposed to be strong, are they not?

I'm sure he'll beat me to an arm wrestling competition anytime, considering his mass and appearance.

At 6am, I reluctantly got out of bed. The thought that I could've actually got the leave was still lingering in my head. Work went on as usual, except that it was a lot easier and I did as much as I could including some washing which I was supposed to be exempted from. At 11am, Yuri-san came back to the shop and my shift ended for that day.

While grabbing my hoodie, I saw a huge band aid wrapped around her forearm and asked her, "Yuri-san, did you go and donate blood? Or did a blood test?"

She replied, "Oh no. I went for a physiotherapy session. You know, I'm not very young and all this heavy work's not easy as well. Anyway, thank you for working today. I'll see you next week? Thank you!"

I left the shop with a totally different feeling than how I started work this morning. Looking at this small middle-aged lady working so hard, I felt a sense of guilt inside of me. For a short moment, I felt really awful inside for those immature feelings I've been harboring inside me. And I started to remember how this job was actually given by God and complaining against my boss was equivalent to complaining against God as well. The first time I applied for a job at the sushi place, it was at a different branch. It was somewhere near my old flat which would be a pain to walk to now if I would've got the job. But God knew what was best for me and prevented me from getting a job there. After a few weeks, I applied for a job here and I got it. My workplace now is so near to my house, that it only takes me 10 minutes or less to reach there by foot.

Yuri-san is definitely a good boss because she's been really patient with me. She allows me to make as many mistakes as I want and learn from them. It's quite a different way of learning compared to my previous employer. He was more of a perfectionist, while Yuri-san believes in a more patient approach. In saying that, I don't think she's ever scolded me. The most I had was a lil' nagging but even that was done in a very positive tone as well. I'm sure many people do dream of having a boss like mine, and I think I shouldn't complain.

I still don't know why Yuri-san wouldn't want to train another apprentice, but I know one thing's for sure, it does feel special to be the only apprentice.

The Apostle

2009-03-24T15:55:00.003+13:00

I thank You Lord

For the trials that come my way

In that way I can grow each day

As I let You lead

And I thank You Lord

For the patience those trials bring

In that process of growing

I can learn to care

I thank you, Lord

With each trial that I feel inside

That you are there to help

Lead and guide my way from wrong

'Cause you promised Lord

That with every testing

That your way of escaping is easier to bear

I thank you, Lord,

For the victory that growing brings,

In surrender of everything

Life is so worth while.

And I thank you, Lord,

That even when everything's put in place,

Out in front I can see Your face,

And it's there You belong.

But it goes against the way I am

To put my human nature down

And let the Spirit take control of all I do.

'Cause when those trials come

My human nature shouts the thing to do;

And God's soft prompting

Can be easily ignored.

Dawn

2009-03-21T09:44:00.003+13:00

For the past few days, my biological sleeping system has been facing some hiccups. On Monday night, I didn't get much sleep and was pretty much tossing around in bed till 1 am, and 4 hours after that I had to get up for work. The following night, I was stuck with tutorials and had a considerably late night. Wednesday night was good, cause I had a really deep sleep. However, it was so deep that I slept through my alarm and got a shock when my cell phone clock said it was 5:40 already. The following night, I decided to go to bed early as my body was showing signs of breaking down. It was a really good sleep as well and it felt like I was in bed for a couple of minutes before my housemate knocked on my door to wake me up for our flat prayer. When I woke up, I sat on my bed and just stared into space. My mind was pretty much cranky and I could feel some grumbling vibe growing inside.

Not wanting my housemate to knock on my door again, I quickly headed to the bathroom and to the lounge. There, a beautiful sight of the sunrise caught my attention and I walked towards the window to have a good view of it. A couple of weeks ago, when I was walking to work, I saw that same view of sunrise. It was such an amazing sight; the dark blue sky with a highlight of yellow over the hills. At that moment I remembered God saying this to me with this verse,

"But we have this treasures in jars of clay to show us that this all-surpassing power is all from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that His life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in us."

That same morning, after looking at the same view, God reminded me once again that this body is just temporal. And this body of mine is to remind me of my imperfection, my carnality and Jesus' perfection working in my voids. But there will be a time when this body will pass away and the completed heavenly body will arrive. The dawn will soon arrive, and then I will not need to suffer in this body anymore. It's just for a "little while".

It's been really difficult trying to give my best in every area of my life. Even though I tried, but all I can say is that my body's weaker than my will. Besides that, there's been so much happening in my head recently and I believe it's also a contributing factor to my lackluster performance. I wish someone could just be more direct in her response. Every time I get a mixed response, my mind will immediately produce a lot of questions and I can't answer any one of them. I guess that's what life is about; nothing's simple and nothing's easy. That's why we should try not to complicate the things that are already simple in nature. Anyway, I don't know when will be the next time I'll be blogging again. My brain's actually running through a dry spell at the moment. With so much to do during the day, blogging seems to be the last thing on my list. However, if God permits, I will have more inspiration to write again. It's not a goodbye, more of, I'll see you when I see you.

Lesson Learnt

2009-03-12T23:51:00.002+13:00

"Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return either: The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

God thought me this lesson today, and I'm sure it's going to stick with me for some time, if not forever.

Character Rebuilding

2009-02-15T14:14:00.004+13:00

Today marked a very important day in my life: I did my first ever fun run. It was a 7Km run and I managed to finish it in 45 minutes and 53 seconds. To many people, it's nothing, but to me I know it's something I will remember.

It was quite a battle for the past two weeks on deciding whether to participate in this run or not. There were many doubts on whether I would be fit enough to run and finish in an acceptable time frame. So last Sunday, I made a test for myself. I made my way down to the harbours and did a 8Km run. If I were to take more than 1 hour, I will not take part in this run and will wait for the next one to come along. I managed to finish it in 53 minutes and decided to go for the run after all. However, throughout the week, there were many reasons that stopped me from going for the race. Or maybe they were just excuses I made in my head to give me a reason to skip the run. On Wednesday, I went to the gym to do some weights and ended up bailing on my workout halfway through. There were cramps on both my knees and I thought this was going to forbid me from my run. The next day was my first day of work at St. Pierre Sushi, where I start work at 6 in the morning which also restricted me from having any proper rest. The final verdict came on Friday night, when I told myself that if my body's feeling good and replenished by morning, then I'll go register for my run. Saturday morning came and I felt fresh, with no problems on my knees as well. I ran out of excuses and finally made a trip down town to register for the run.

I am glad that I finally decided to do this run. To many serious runners, 7Km would be like swatting a fly. Or to those that are physically fit, 7Km might not be such a big deal as well. But for me, it was more than just a run. I decided this year, that I want to do things to challenge myself. The year that has passed made me realized that my life is running on a very stalemate pace. This year, I want to challenge myself and rebuild my character, to be able to endure and stand through difficult times. That is also why I've decided to take up a regular job even when University resumes. It's going to be hard labour and disciplining myself to sleep early. There will be times when I know I will have to cut on some sleep and still head to work. But it's all part and parcel of this character rebuilding theme that I hope to stand by this year. Looking at the year ahead makes me shiver because I'm not sure how I'm going to endure so much responsibilities in my hands. I'll have studies, ICF, work, house responsibilities and maybe church to juggle with. But I want to challenge myself this year, to be able to give my best in each of those areas and still be able to excel in it.

Yes, if I'm going to zoom myself out and look at the year as a whole, I know it looks demanding. But just like that run that I did, the distance seems very long if I see it as a whole. But taking it down little by little will make things easier. And before I know it, the final lap will be just around the corner and it'll be over soon.

2009 will be a tough year indeed for me. There will be times when I'm sure I'll question my decisions, but it's going to be worth it. This year is the year I'm going allow God to refine me and help me rebuild my character. It may seem that I'm doing it all on my own now, but I'm committing this goal to God. And put my trust in Him that He will keep that endurance and strength burning to finish this race that I've signed up for.

Pre-Parachute Thoughts

2009-01-22T23:15:00.005+13:00

The last practice for the Parachute festival ended 30 minutes ago and everyone seemed satisfied and hyped up for the actual event. I myself thought it was a really good practice as everyone played well and I finally managed to nail that song with the 5 beats time signature.

For this upcoming performance, I'll on the electric guitar again. Yes, it is my jinxed instrument. Throughout the past years that I've been using the electric guitar, there has been very few satisfactory performances. However, I realized that this time around, there are some positive reinforcements. I'm using an electric guitar that has a better health and with proper effects. Previously, I've been depending on Alan's poor Ibanez electric guitar that has expired pickups. Also, the effects pedal that I've been using was also in its dying days. So maybe that might explain the bad experiences. Hopefully I'll be able to nail down the songs that we've practiced hard and leave the stage with a proud look on my face.

For the past weeks, the practices have been something that I looked forward too. It brings back good memories of my playing days back home. All the jamming with band mates, late night practices in the room, and enjoying that harmony of being able to connect with each other's musical instincts were blissful moments. Looking back now, this whole playing in the band thing never seemed to be what I thought I would've enjoyed. Back in high school, I know I liked the piano and always wanted to learn the guitar but never got around it. After high school ended, I was at Bible school and somehow managed to discipline myself to learn the guitar. The passion to play it bloomed out of nowhere, if you asked me now. I don't think I was that into music then, other than just listening to the radio and playing the piano. But that transition period of not being able to play anything constructive to a stage performer went pass so fast. I remembered my first time playing in a band was in 2003 when I was asked to play in a band for college prom. It was a very memorable moment as well as a turning point for my progress. After that, I continued playing on the acoustic guitar and as the college band went through a few changes of new faces, the best band I've played with was born. It started with just me (guitarist) and Phoebe (pianists and main vocalists) with later additions of Joel (bassists) and drummer boy Edric. We had that common bond of "telepathy" when it comes to music and we can play with no boundaries between us. Though I've had a string of other bands I've played with, this one was definitely the most enjoyable one.

Now, after 7 years of playing that guitar, I'm finally going to step up on an international stage. It was never my dream or intention to have a spot on that stage, but God has been gracious.

My playing career has not always been very smooth I must admit, but this time it's going to be different. Because this time, I'm not going to play. God is. And may it bring much glory unto His name.

False Alarm?

2009-01-18T22:40:00.003+13:00

The boss called me in to work on Wednesday afternoon and tonight. In addition to that, she also asked me to come tomorrow night and said I'll get more hours this week. I guess I am still working there after all. What a false alarm; making me all emotional about not being able to work there and all. But anyway, I'm happy that I'm still holding onto this job. I enjoy my time there really, due to the new bred experience of learning has really caught onto me.

Today I was given some new tasks to my job: washing the dishes. Previously, I was only responsible for the things that are happening on the floor. But today, even after my working hours, there were still people coming in to eat. As the assistant chef has gone home, I stayed back to help out. The boss then asked me to get to the back of the kitchen to wash the pans and dishes. I did it like how I would do it back home, except with added speed of course. Much, much more speed. But still, the boss was not happy and he showed me how to do it. As he was showing me, he said some words that were surprisingly profound. Words that I believe could only come from the lips of a man that knows the taste of his own sweat.

On my walk back home, those words resonated in my head repeatedly. And I realized that this is what the working world is like. The previous jobs that I had worked, never provided me with such clear understanding of how the world is like when it comes to work. But today, my eyes were opened and I promise to carry these words with me as I take my step into the working world in the future.

"Efficiency has nothing to do with speed.

You can be fast, but still inefficient.

When you are inefficient, you are not working.

You're only playing.

And when you play,

You become a nuisance to those around you that are efficient."

17 Hours

2009-01-08T23:44:00.005+13:00

17 hours of new experiences.

17 hours of new challenges.

17 hours of new expectations.

17 hours of pressure.

17 hours of sweat.

17 hours of observing.

17 hours of saying, "Yes boss."

17 hours of asking people, "How can I help you?" or "Can I take your order?"

17 hours of wiping tables, setting tables, sweeping, mopping and more wiping.

17 hours of smelling good food.

17 hours of learning how to be an efficient waiter.

17 hours, was all I had...

On Christmas day, I received a phone call from an unknown number. I was reluctant to answer it the first time, but decided to do so the second time it called. To my surprise it was from the restaurant Asian Kitchen, that I went to a few weeks ago to ask if they had any vacant jobs. In my excitement, I said yes to all the questions to everything the other person was asking or telling me. On Monday, I started work as a waiter at Asian Kitchen with not a single employee detail. I didn't know the amount of hours I had to work per week, how much I was getting paid

and what were my benefits. However, I just went at 5.30 p.m. as directed, and thought that the boss would tell me then. When I first arrived, I noticed that the place was rather small and the boss whom I always address as "lou pan", which means boss in cantonese was giving me instructions on what I was expected to do. I thought to myself, "This seems like a decent job. I might even continue working here when the semester starts."

As the hours went by, more and more people crowded the place. It was getting busier and I was trying my best to handle this new pressure that I've never really expected. I remembered my first hurdle was when I was taking orders for a group of 4 people. They customized some of their dishes and I was rather unfamiliar with the menu then, giving me a difficult time in getting their orders right. To add to that, each of them ordered a bottle of beer and they were all different brands. I'm almost an illiterate when it comes to alcohol, because I hardly have any my own. And so, I had quite a hard time remembering the names and I didn't get them the right beer they ordered. One of them was shaking his head when I gave him the wrong beer twice and his gesture sent my confidence sinking. I felt defeated, inadequate and incapable, but the boss gave me a pat on the back and taught me how to handle the pressure more efficiently. At the end of the shift, the boss asked me to stay back and he cooked us (boss, assistant chef, and me) a very good meal. We had steamed fish and vegetables with a bowl of soup each. That meal was one of the best meals I had in New Zealand. It was simple, but everything about it was just like home and for a moment, it felt like I was back home. That was my first four hours, and I left the restaurant with a happy smile and a satisfied stomach.

As the days pass, I became more and more familiar with my job functions. I knew what I needed to do and got onto it as soon as I step foot into the restaurant. The boss would time and time again still tell me off but I was willing to learn and he saw that in me. He would be frustrated with me sometimes but he'll cool off very quickly and teach me again in his calm mode. And for that I repaid his faith by doing my best in the job. The best part of the job were the meals, and I always looked forward to them cause I know every meal will make all the hard work worth it.

Today, I went to work at 5.30 p.m. as scheduled and did my job as usual. The pressure was off today as the customers were coming in pretty slow. I was beginning to get the hang of the job until the last moment when the boss's wife talked to me. She told me that I might not be called back next week. For these few weeks, I've been only replacing one of her workers that has gone back to Malaysia for the holidays. That explains why I never had a fixed schedule all this while. As I was walking back and thinking about what happened, there was this mixed feeling stirring inside of me. I was fine with what the boss said cause now I can find a better job that has a fixed schedule. Plus, I can get a better paid job since this one pays below the minimum wage. But deep down, I knew that this was actually a blow to me. I thought I would be working here for some time because I actually enjoy my time working there. But it didn't seem to turn out that way. It was the my first 17 hours of working here in New Zealand, and I believe it will be a great memory and experience for me.

Despite the hard work, pressure, and fatigue that comes along with this job that doesn't pay well, I was very blessed indeed. I believe this was one way where God allowed me to catch a glimpse of home again. The boss talked to me in cantonese and he often argues with his wife. Kinda reminds me of how my home is; always filled with the voices of my parents. And every time I eat at the table, it will definitely feel like I'm eating at home. Everything just feels right. The taste, the stuffy environment in the restaurant, and the sound of chopsticks just makes the whole experience nostalgic.

Tonight, I didn't have dinner with the boss. Instead he packed me something of my choice and I chose "mee goreng". It didn't fail to impress again and now I know where to go to when I want to have a taste of home again and hopefully, another chance to work here again.

New Strings

2009-01-04T20:54:00.003+13:00

I was strumming my guitar the other day when I realized that it was time I changed the strings. Back home in Malaysia, I normally change them every four months or when they snap. But this time, I've not changed the strings for the past 6 months and the sound of my guitar was not at it's best now. Old and worn out strings normally make the guitar sound blunt, dull and flat and brings no pleasure to the ears and thus a set of new strings is needed to revive the potential of the guitar.

As I was changing the strings, I begin to realize how 2008 has been quite like my current guitar strings. At the beginning of the year, things were going pretty well for me. I had a very relaxing semester with 3 very easy subjects to study and a great job experience. But that's only the tip of the ice berg of the good I was experiencing. New friendships were made, existing friendships strengthened and old friendships were renewed. The second part of 2008 turned out to be a contrast to the earlier. I started a new life in New Zealand, and things have not been going as smooth sailing as I thought it would be. Things were exciting and vibrant at the beginning of the year, just like a new set of strings. But after some time, it looses it's elasticity and becomes rusty and tensed.

However, I thank the Lord for 2008 despite all the trials and hardships. Now, 2008 is history and 2009 is going to be another year ahead. For 2009, I would like to nail down some plans and goals that I want to achieve.

I want to see some results from my exercise. For the past years, I've always exercised, but results are never satisfactory. This year, I'm going to make it count.
I plan to join a half marathon this year. After joining Team Miracle Mile, I believe I have a responsibility to be serious about running. My first trial run will come in March; a 10km fun run.
This year will be my last year in University and therefore, I'm going to go all out. May it at work or at play, I want to give my best.
I also want to renew my relationship with God. This has been neglected area and I need to stand up and start running again.
Lastly, I'm going to be a "social butterfly". (Quote: Elaine Vun)

Dear Lord and heavenly Father,

I commit this year into your hands.

My plans may be such, and my goals have a nice touch,

But most importantly,

May Your will be fulfilled in this journey of mine.

Let this year be a great one

As I give my all in everything I do

And divert any glory to Your name.

Amen.

The Love I Know

2008-12-13T23:13:00.003+13:00

I just came back from a simple Christmas musical performed in a local International church, called Elim. A week ago when I was invited to the event, I had no idea what it was. Since I didn't have much to do anyway, I simply accepted the invitation. I felt the whole program was very well done and the message behind it was simple and yet powerful. The focus was definitely to allow people to understand the existent of God's love in this world and I would say they did a pretty good job in portraying that. Thinking back about the event, I realized how amazing the message of God's love is. No matter how many times I've heard about God's love, it never fails to touch the soft spots in my heart. And that effect did take place tonight also.

After the meeting finished, they had very good authentic asian food served in buffet style. It was so good, I felt as if I was back home in Malaysia tasting them. But as I was enjoying the blissful moment, my eyes caught sight of a person sitting at a table nearby. This person was sitting there and I didn't realize that he was a man until much later. He was dressed up in women's clothing, and also had difficulties communicating properly which could be out of disabilities. But despite all that, he wasn't sitting alone and some of the church members even came and gave him hugs and kisses. Those at the table were talking to him and even made efforts to get to know him better. Still having my eyes on him, I was amazed at how this man was so accepted in the church. It was such an eye opener for me because I've never seen love as pure and genuine as this come from a human being's capability. Yes, I grew up in a church but I don't think I've seen such love being evident before. It's sad to say such things, but it's true and I can't run from that fact. We do preach about love, and we definitely do have people that are loving, but not to this extend. This is the love that only God can plant in our hearts and demonstrate it through the ability of the Holy Spirit. The song that they sang as part of that musical that night was definitely put to good use just as words of PFR (Pray For Rain) goes,

It knows no boundaries

keeps no records of wrong

... that's the love I know

It takes the good with the bad

and it fights to stay strong

... that's the love I know

This love always finds a way

to carry on

That's the love I know

It speaks in kindness

it seeks only what's true

... that's the love I know

A love without condition

it looks to renew

... that's the love I know

It knows that when hope seems gone

hope will come through

That's the love I know

As I was still lingering around in church, a question popped into my mind. For the past few weeks, this same question has been popping again and again in my head and makes me dwell in that prolonged dilemma. This question was the same question I asked in the first few months I first stepped foot here and yes, the "church" question is back again. For the past few months, I've been attending the King's Arm church which is in Upper Hutt. It takes me a good 45 minutes to get to church and because of that distance, I'm not able to participate in anything other than their Sunday services. When the Christmas choir opened up for voluntary singers to be part of it, I did intend to participate. But as I realized that the practices were held during the weekdays and I wasn't able to make it, I had to give it a miss. There's just this deep longing inside of me to want to do something in church. Yes, serving in ICF does count as services for God but that's not church. I struggle deep inside knowing that I'm at a church that stands behind what I believe in and has great teachings but no opportunities for me to serve. And thus, the question of looking for a closer church nearby resurfaces.

After this short encounter in this church, I would definitely come again for their Sunday service and see if I'm able to be part of this church instead. This church has already shown me what God has put in their hearts and I want to be part of that setting also. I want to be able to practice this love that I know about and bring it back home and allow others to have it also.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T23:54:00.002+13:00

Tonight, I had a very simple experience of a thanksgiving dinner. Fiona's flat had two new American housemates and it was thanksgiving today, so they decided to cook us some typical American dishes. They made a roast chicken, some stuffing which I thought was quite nice, mash potatoes, and carrots. It was a really simple meal but yet I was glad that I was there that night. After having our meal, the Americans, Mario and Rachel, introduced something which was part of their thanksgiving dinners. Each member at the table needed to say something that they were thankful for and I felt that it was a really great thing to do. When it was my turn, I just said this, "I'm thankful that I'm in New Zealand. It's a really great opportunity for me and I never thought I could be here studying. But now I'm here, and I'm thankful for that."

Somehow, those words never seemed to reflect well on current situation. For the past few days, I've been rambling to a lot of people about me not looking forward to the summer. People in New Zealand are leaving or have left to go back to their respective countries and I'm don't get to. People back home have camps, holidays and Christmas to look forward to, but I don't. People around me have their own activities planned out, and visits to other places and all, but not me. And the list just goes on and on. That sentence that I said during thanksgiving, made me realize that I don't need to be in such a self-pity mode. It's because I choose to make myself like that and that's why things are not going so well for me.

Since Monday, I've been practically much idle and had hardly anything done. I wanted to look for a job, but I'm just not confident enough to tackle the jobs that are being offered. Excuses after excuses will tend to stop me from applying for any one of those offeres. But after tonight, I think God took this opportunity to inspire me again and get me back on my feet. I guess now I'm just thankful that I'm in New Zealand, despite the fact that almost everyone's home, and I'm wishing by some miracle that I'll get to go home. But the fact is, I am staying here and its up to me whether I'm going to make it a blast or keep things the way it is and stay miserable.

I believe summer is going to be a great time for me, because I'm going to make it great.

I'm going to apply for that labour job that I've been eyeing for the past 2 days. It's either that or the one that's in a restaurant. The only difference is the working times. One will be in the morning, while the other one will be at night. I'll apply for both and see which one I'll get.
I've put up posters advertising my guitar lessons. Hopefully I'll be able to get some students to teach and earn some side cash besides the other job I'll be doing.
Since now I'm going to be a guitar tutor again, I should start expending my knowledge and increase my ability and skills.
I need to get back on my workout regimes again. It's been inconsistent for the past few weeks and I need to get serious about it again. This would be a really good time for me to get back on track again.
There's the parachute festival in January that I'm looking forward to. I'll be performing in a band, and so practices are vital.
Trips to Auckland or other parts of New Zealand? That could be a small incentive for me.

This may be the only summer I'll get to spend here in New Zealand and it would be a shame to give it to waste. I'm thankful that God used tonight to get me back on my feet and start walking on this journey again. Plus, I think this idea of thanksgiving was something really essential as it makes us realize the things that we're not being thankful for.

What would you be thankful for if you were asked that question?

Holy Spirit

2008-11-25T11:40:00.001+13:00

Just yesterday, I had this very short encounter with a lady when I was on my way back from my exam. This was the second time I had this conversation with her. The first time was a few weeks back when she approached me while I was on my way to enroll for a summer paper. I found this experience interesting and worth remembering, and so this was what happened:

*lady approaches me*

Sandra: Hi there. Can I share something with you?

Jon: Sure.

Sandra: I'm actually a yoga instructor from Canada, volunteering to come here to promote my religion.

Jon: Oh. Ok. Tell me more.

Sandra: What we're doing is trying to promote our belief by selling some books. We're not asking for a small donation for the books that we're offering.

*pulls out 3 books*

Sandra: This big one here will cost around 30 NZD. If you find this out of your budget, this one will cost only 10 NZD and this small one 2 NZD.

Jon: So what are these books about?

Sandra: Ok. Let me just tell you more about what I believe in.

*flips through the pages of the biggest book*

Sandra: This is a picture of Vishnu (I think it's Vishnu) and he's doing his prayers during a battle. He's surrounded by his enemies and he's asking himself many questions about his life. You know, when we're overwhelmed with trouble we tend to question ourselves, "What's my life about? Where am I going after this life?" And that was what Vishnu did. So, do you believe that life just ends after this life or there's a continuance after we die? Do you know what's going to happen to you after death?

Jon: Yeah. I know where I'm going to go after I die. I'm a Christian actually.

Sandra: Oh great. You're a Christian. So are you interested in buying any of these books?

Jon: No.

Sandra: Ok, that's fine. Have a good day.

As I walked away from that spot, I had this weird feeling rushing inside me. What happened earlier seemed like a similar situation where I was a non-Christian being evangelized by someone on the streets. As I pondered more, I began to realize that us Christians are no different when it comes to preaching the Gospel. We talk about life, we talk about death, we talk about the after life and we definitely talk about that important person that's featured in our belief. More thoughts rushed in as I asked myself more questions and one particular question hit me like a bullet.

What if I never came from a Christian family

and the only time I was revealed to Christianity

was when I was approached on the streets?

Would I be convicted to believe in God?

Just as my thoughts were about to run even wilder, God stopped me and dropped me a hint.

"Holy Spirit". And that made all the puzzle pieces fit once again. Due to the wrong usages or quotes of the abilities and power of the Holy Spirit, I tend to become all uptight when He's mentioned. But I realized that the Holy Spirit is God after all and I shouldn't be reacting this way. The very reason I am a believer in Christ today, is not because I was brought up in a Christian family. Nor was it because I made that decision to choose God because I felt that He was the best selection among the other religions. I am a child of God today because He has chosen to reveal Himself to me and convicted me through His Holy Spirit to put my faith in the work of the Son.

The Holy Spirit was given as a helper, but I know I've been underutilizing Him. May it be in service or in overcoming temptations I tend to depend on my own flesh. It's about time I learn to depend on the Holy Spirit more and less on my flesh.

Be strong in the Lord

and in the power of His might.

Silas

2008-11-23T17:02:00.004+13:00

The long and stressful week has finally come to an end. Lectures for my summer paper has completed and SLC finished just a few hours ago, but I'm particularly glad that the week has finished on a high note for me.

On Friday evening, I left for SLC together with a couple of friends that were kind enough to drive us all there. I was actually quite excited about this whole SLC thing. Throughout the week I've been thinking of SLC and there were moments when I had regrets and would've preferred to opt for SLC instead of doing this course. But for the last two days that I was there, I realized that it didn't match my excitement and also felt that I was drowning in the crowd. Though I knew the Wellington people and some from Palmy, but due to my substantial absence in the initial stage of the camp, I wasn't able to meet most of the people. But I'm still thankful for the various individuals that made the effort to get to know me. Another thing that I missed out were their discussions and Bible studies. I wasn't able to relate to their Bible study at all and ended up leaving the group to do other stuff.

Disappointment started to fill my mind as the hours passed and I was just waiting to leave and go home. But little did I know that God had something prepared for me that night. Every night, they will have this speaker, Nigel give a series of talks on Acts. And for that night, his talked was focussed on this individual, named Silas. And I felt that this message of Silas was a message that I needed to hear. Silas was someone that seemed of little significance and mentioned that many times in the Bible itself. Though known for his short and brief appearances in the Bible, for those times he was mentioned, brought out a great message through the significant of his character. Silas was not known for his leadership, nor was he known for being a founder of any of the churches. Neither was he known for writing a book in the Bible or was an apostle of Jesus Christ. But what made Silas a notable character was his dedication to be available in whatever job is given to him. May it be participating in a leadership team leading a church or being a follower and companion to Paul, Silas did it.

The message of Silas spoke to me so well, because I have asked God before what my gift was and I think I've mentioned this before that I'm someone that doesn't hold any speciality in my life. Sometimes, I am a leader. Other times, I'm more of a fore front worker. And there will be times when I'm just a backdrop worker. Trade of all jacks, was the term I used for myself; being someone that had no specific traits but many unpolished abilities. Silas, mentioned in the Bible gave me the impression that he was also someone like that. He was a companion and worker for certain periods and a church leader in other times. But what made Silas such a useful addition to the early church team, was his availability. Being available to fit into the shoes of the needed portfolios and chipping in different areas to aid the team was a trait that not everyone can have and execute. That night, God made me realize that there are people like me in the kingdom of God that He still used. The only difference between them and me will be if I decide to not make availability as part of my life.

Before coming to SLC, I said this prayer which I didn't really remember until that night passed. Despite saying that prayer very simply and not really understanding what I meant myself, God answered my prayer in a very clear and concise manner.

And that prayer went something like this,

Dear God and Heavenly Father,

I thank You for this opportunity to attend SLC,

though it's for a very short moment.

May this place be a platform where

You'll guide me in my life and teach me

how I can be of better service in Your kingdom.

Amen.

"Rindu"

2008-11-20T22:50:00.004+13:00

It's been awhile since I had anything posted up here. There were a few attempted posts that I was working on but somehow didn't seem good enough for me to display. Today somehow has been quite an interesting day for me and though I don't have any thoughts lined up, I just want to pen down what happened.

This week has been quite a hectic one for me due to my very time demanding summer paper. It's a simulation paper that runs for a entire week and yes, by the term "simulation", it is a game. But it's not a very enjoyable game due to the nature and purpose of it. Basically it's just like a tycoon game, except everything operates in numbers and statistics which was quite confusing at first. But after 2-3 rounds, things started to click and became slightly more familiar. So as usual, I was at the computer lab discussing with the team members on what figures to fit into the boxes. After that, we were just taking some time off to wait for the reports to come in and as I was browsing through student job search webpage, I found a job which I would really call as my dream job. It's considered my dream job because it pays well, short hours and its guitar tutoring! For any person that's as crazy about guitars as much as me would find this job a like a pot of gold sitting at your door mat. Unfortunately, this job requires me to have my own vehicle which I believe is because I need to travel to the student's houses to teach. So despite my smacking good CV of 2 years experience of being a guitar tutor, that condition practically single handedly devoured my chances. The agent however, decided to suggest my name to the employer just to see what they think or maybe come out with a solution. Who knows, God willing, they might even loan me a car. I'll just wait and see how it goes and do what Bing said when I ranted to him earlier, "Pray about it." And pray about it, I shall.

Later that night I followed Elaine and Ruby to attend part of the SLC (Student Leadership Conference). It's a whole week camp that's organized by TSCF and I was gutted that I had to give most of it a miss due to my summer paper. But tonight was more of a farewell to a staff worker named Karen Lau. There were so many testimonies, sharing, songs, pictures, laughter, stories, tears, hugs and prayers that night as part of appreciating the impact she has had in the lives of many. At one moment, my mind just stood still and took a step back; like time traveled. I realized that I've been having this same feeling for the past few weeks and they always happen during the times when other individuals are being appreciated. Two weeks ago was Peng's 21st birthday and that was when this feeling first introduced itself. Last week, Kirsten had her 21st birthday also and again, this exact same feeling cropped back in. And tonight, that same feeling came and I was just taken back by its presence. I can't explain what exactly that feeling was but I felt as if I was sticking out like a sore thumb. Maybe it's because I wasn't there to see what these people have done and that's why I don't really get their job and feel left out.

Back in Nilai, I remembered being that lone ranger that was trying to break into the group because I came in late and I missed out on all the orientation and stuff. This time around, I came in the middle of the year and am still attempting the same thing. But you know what? I'm not going to waste my time talking about the same issue my previous posts have covered, about being closed, reserved and in need of "proper" friends. God showed me once that I can still find home when I'm away from home and I'm sure He can provide that same "home" again for me.

After realizing that I had some time to spare after lunch today, I decided to sing some songs over guitar. As I was flipping the pages across the songbook, I fancied singing some malay songs and there was this particular song that gave me some sort of assurance from God. For the past week, or maybe even longer, I've been feeling empty inside. There has been a string of trials in my life and I thought I handled them very well. I cheated my feelings and believed that by standing tall and pretending that those trials won't affect me would simply do the trick. But after a while, I unknowingly felt bitter and started to distance myself from God. And as I sang this song, I realized that I've got it all wrong and the words spoke very well to me.

The wonders of literature is that different languages looks at words from different angles and provide various meanings. The word "desire" or "longs for", translated into Malay, as the lyrics of this song is uses, is "rindu", which is the same word being used when you miss something/someone. And that word, "rindu", found it's place in my heart today.

O Tuhan, pimpinlah langkahku

Ku tak berani jalan sendiri

Ajar ku itulah doaku

Agar ku merendahkan diri

Menurut Firman Mu tiap hari

Jadikan pelita dalam gelap

Mencari domba yang sesat

Itulah kerinduan jiwaku.

Short Memories

2008-10-31T13:33:00.005+13:00

Last night, we played a very interesting game over dinner. Its similar to the game "Truth or Dare," just that this one has no dares and the intentions are purely to get to know one another. It was fun and we had questions like, "What was your most embarrassing moment?" and "What was your worst/best dream?"

But the question that made me think has to be this question:

"When was the last time you cried?"

It took me a whole minute to recall when I last cried, but there didn't seem to be any clear occurance of such an experience. I didn't cry when I left my family and friends at the airport, though I said I would. Neither did I cry when I was lonely here, though I thought I would.

And suddenly, this memory of what happened on the day my grandfather passed away became very fresh in my head.

I remembered that day very well and the days before that. For almost 2 months, my grandfather had been contracted with numerous ailments all over his body and we all know that it was just a matter of time for him. But during that period of time, God allowed me to witness two wonderful miracles through the life of my grandfather. When I found out that my grandfather had all this health hazards, I couldn't help but shudder to the thought that he might leave this world without salvation. I prayed, with little faith that my grandfather would receive Christ, after failing to persuade him through the years. God refuted that little faith of mine and showed me His might again, by allowing me to witness the confession of my own grandfather upon his faith. I was there holding his hand when he finally received Christ and I was taken back with pure joy. But my fear didn't stop there. I know my grandfather would have to go soon, but just not know when. The thought of receiving a phone call here in NZ, knowing that he's gone and I not being able to pay my last respects to him was devastating. I didn't want that to happen and as crude as it sounds, I asked God to take him home while I was still around. And God demonstrated once again, the power of His grace.

On the first night of family camp, my grandfather passed away. He left with peace in his heart, and he left on the same day my grandma left 3 years ago. On that same day, he was able to see his sons and grandchildren for the last time and left without regrets. When I knew that God proved to me that He is great and His timing is spotlessly perfect once again, I cried. Those tears were so genuine because I know God had this all figured out and it all happened according to how He intended it to be.

After dinner last night, I came home and I was just thinking about those short memories I had with my grandfather.

I remembered when I was young, he would pat my back to put me to sleep.

He would also buy me firecrackers during Chinese New Year to play and would teach me how to play them.

I also had blurry memories of following him to the coffee shops and drink Milo of that small saucer that comes with the coffee cups.

I remember sitting in that old Dudson car of his, following him to various places and hearing him scold malay drivers, "Babi!".

There wasn't much memory of him because after a certain age, I only get to see him a few times a year. Not many words were exchanged between us and he is quiet as always, and reserved to himself. Maybe that's where I get my reserved personality; always bottling things inside and always wanting to keep my emotions to myself. But with that little memory that I have with my grandfather, the most unforgettable memory was when I held his hand for the last time. He was saying a prayer, confessing his sins and proclaiming his belief in God. That memory of holding his hands seemed like eternity, but I know that time has not yet come. However, it is a comfort to know that day I'll hold that same left hand of his in the land that is fairer than day.

Walls

2008-10-26T20:51:00.008+13:00

Just a very quick update on what has been going on with my life:

Exams are over!
Staying back in NZ for the summer; working and doing 2 papers.
Enjoying a very close and intimate relationship with God.

That's all that matters in my life I guess. Other things like being able to play more basketball now seems rather unimportant.

God has been teaching me so much lately. I feel like a new person ever since I've been able to keep my walk with Him consistently and also apply what I've learned from a regular Bible study that I've been attached to. This Bible study group is really amazing and though I've never looked forward to going for Bible studies before, this one is an exception. But I'll talk about that in a separate post some other time. It definitely deserves a separate post altogether.

Now that my exams are over, I've been having tons of free time in my hand. It feels boring at times, not having anything to occupy myself with and I don't like to be idle in times like this. Not to mention that I don't really have many friends here. I might know quite a number of people from ICF & CU, but none are really close to me on a very personal level. There's this longing deep inside me that craves for someone that I can talk to and be able to relate on equal levels. When I was in Nilai, I had friends that I could talk to and tell them things about my life, but somehow I can't seem to find friends that are like that here. I totally agree with this phrase that I heard last night, though it might not be true for everyone, "People are rather impersonal here, lacking that sense of community in a way." (rephrased)

One of the mornings, I was sitting at my table as usual, and I always have this habit of staring at my walls. They're not white painted blank walls, mind you. Its very well decorated with stuff like photographs, cards, tags, memory verses, and mostly things that are very memorable to me. When I came to NZ, I brought along a whole stack of photographs with me, consisting mostly of photos of family, church/close friends, ICF friends and band members.

My purpose of having these photographs up was to continuously remind me of the people back home. Especially pictures of my family and church members. They hold a very high value in my life and I'm always reminded that they are waiting for me back home and stresses also on the importance of completing my studies within that promised time period. But as I was looking at the pictures that day, I realized how close all my things were placed next to each other. Everything I pasted up there were either next to each other or overlapping. With every small space I see, I'll fill it up with something. If I see a small strip of space, I'll fill it up with guitar picks, or find something to fill up the small gaps in between, around the corners and so forth.

Then I begin to realize how this wall was such a mirror of my personality. There were a couple of times when I had some good shots that I had here and wanted to paste them up on the wall. Somehow, I never seemed to be able to find suitable spots for them, or more like not wanting to change my wall's looks. Soon the idea was forgotten; I got what I wanted and the wall remained the same, unchanged. I guess that's pretty much how I run my life, or guard it. As a person, I find myself being very sentimental. I dislike changes and I dislike how things move on and don't remain. When I was in Nilai, I brought my life with me. The jokes I laughed about with my friends in Penang, I'll use them with my friends in Nilai. Things we do for fun in Penang, I'll influence my friends in Nilai to enjoy them also. I was actually pretty successful in doing that and it made me feel at home. The fact that there are no spots on the wall for new stuff shows that I don't give opportunities for new things to come into my life, which is very selfish. While I may still think that I prefer certain jokes or humor from home, I need to accept the fact that I'm no longer home and I need to adjust to my surroundings.

Through the weeks, God has been drilling me with the very basic fundamentals of Christianity. Faith, hope and love. And we all know love is the hardest to practice, that is why God called it the greatest. Because a person that can practice love, true godly love, will have no problem with faith and hope. It was something I find very hard to practice and I know my heart very well. No matter who it is, my heart will always find a fault in that person and a reason to dislike him/her. But that's not how things are supposed to be. Love is what Christ demonstrated and it's exactly what He expects us to do. I remembered something that my church pastor said this morning when he delivered his message on Christ-like friendship, "When God sent His son to die for us, He demonstrated love to us. And His greatest commandment is not 'Love me as I have loved you', but 'Love one another as I have loved you'. If we claim to love God and not love our fellow brothers in Christ, the Bible calls us a liar." (rephrased).

I don't remember being so protective when I was younger. In fact, I actually made friends very easily and though I tend to stick to some faithful ones, I never stopped making friends. But there was once, a friend betrayed me and that could be the reason why I don't simply make friends anymore. I take a painfully long time to be close to someone and because I guard myself so tightly, the process of being close to someone normally pre-maturely dies. But its about time I be more open about my life and allow others to enter and be part of it. I don't know how long it's going to take for me to start being more open about myself, or more sociable in general. But I know God will help me; He always does.

God has called us to be part of His family

and each of us deserve a part of each other;

a part of what God has blessed us with,

called life.

Dancing

2008-10-16T22:18:00.004+13:00

ICF/CU had their annual ball on Saturday night in a church, called St. John. If it's the hotel balls you're imaging in your mind right now; dump those images. Malaysian balls are always the same - Pretty dresses, smart suits, posh ballrooms, dates, expensive dinners, photographs, and lots of performances on stage. Balls in New Zealand are not exactly like that. It's not as grand as we picture it to be back home and I had quite a culture shock after attending my first ever Kiwi ball.

The entire event was basically dedicated to dancing, and only dancing. To me, it was not a ball; more like a party with the people dressing up in "ball clothing's". There were finger food laid out on the table and DJs playing some pumping dance music. And then, the horror came. Everyone was vigorously dancing and participating on the dance floor. Not a single one of them seemed shy to hit the dance floor and I think I was the only one that was trying to find a place to hide. I made numerous trips to the toilet and also volunteered to be the DJ for as long as I could before someone forcefully took over. For the rest of the night, I was dragged to the dance floor over and over again. It felt so weird because I never had to do something like this in my entire life. Having rapid movement of limps and shoulders does not depict me at all. The only time you'll see me doing that is when I'm in sports attire and you will definitely not spot me on a dance floor. Anyhow, I know I couldn't escape so I just joined in and felt like a fool swaying, while everyone was on fire and grooving. And the fact that my self consciousness was on red-alert mode almost killed me on the spot. However, I did have some fun moments. They had dance lessons for everyone that night and I learned how to dance the waltz after being dragged into the crowd by Elaine. I would say the rock and roll dance was simpler and fun after trying it out with Esther (being dragged into it again). To sum the whole event up, I did have fun. But the new experience was just so mind blowing, I went home feeling all fuzzy inside. It took me quite a long time to finally swallow the whole new experience and that caused me to miss my train to church the next day.

During Bible Study on Tuesday, I had an opportunity to share with the group about a family experience that happened a few years back. It was that incident where my family was supposed to shift back to KL and we had a very hard time accepting that fact. But after it all, we still stayed in Penang and I was of course, relieved. However, I couldn't help thinking why did it all happened in the first place. Was God playing us out, making us go through that really painful emotional trip and at the end of it all burst out in laughter saying, "You got Punk'd!"

That was definitely not the case. God thought us a lesson, just like how He thought Abraham and Isaac. We realized that God was looking for our obedience and as crazy as it sounds to move back to KL, He wanted us to do it. Moving into a new place would be absolutely difficult. Making new friends and cliques will be uncomfortable, but were we willing to do it because God demanded of us? I'm happy we did.

As I was collecting my thoughts and linking them, a verse that I read last week came to my mind.

"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ."

Colossians 3:23 & 24.

It's always easy to say that we should do everything unto the Lord, but when the test comes knocking at your doorstep, what will the real response be? When my family was called to go back to KL, I didn't want to leave. I suggested to my parents that I'll continue staying in Penang and they can move there with my sister. But my parents objected strongly and I remember what my mom said in particular, "God has called us to go as a family, and we should obey Him as a family."

It didn't take a very long time until a simple message from Nehemiah on a Sunday morning finally made me adhere to the decision.

After walking back from Bible Study on Tuesday, I was reminded again of this God that I'm serving. Many of times I think I know how this whole "service and obedience" thing works. I think that God is predictable and I just need to push the correct buttons and I'll do just fine. But that's not who He is. God is not a lab rat where we can put Him in a cage and study His reactions. No, He is beyond that.

He is constant, and yet unpredictable.

He is Holy, but loves the unholy.

He gave Abraham a son, and later asked that he would be sacrificed.

He spared humankind from judgment, but did not spare His own son when He was on the cross.

God is definitely beyond words and ahead of what we can always imagine Him to be. And it's confusing because we don't know why He wants us to do certain things and yet we need to obey. This is where God's Word comes in and the verse I mentioned earlier just speaks for itself. Everything that we do, should be done unto Him, because we serve none other that the Lord Christ. When we're convinced that we're serving a God that is wiser, mightier and greater than what our minds can perceive, then obedience will come automatically.

Dancing has to be one of the craziest things I've done in my life, but I know God will continue to make me do many more "dances" as this life passes. It would be my prayer that I'll just be obedient and trust that those "dances" will continue to leave me with a new fuzzy feeling again.

Voices

2008-10-05T21:58:00.007+13:00

I woke up this morning with dark red patches all over my body. My fingers went frantic and started scratching all over. A voice then whispered, "Skip church and go get some medication from the pharmacy." It was tempting, and the weather outside was windy and rainy too, adding more reasons to just accept the idea. That same voice came back again, saying, "Skip church. People don't even welcome you there." But another voice quickly countered, "Jon, honour Me."

Somehow I managed to make myself get up from bed and take my bath. It was a painful experience and when the water touched my body, it was as if acid was poured down onto my body. It was painful, yet the urge to scratch was so strong that I just can't control myself. And when I got out of the shower, I looked at the clock and I only had 15 minutes before the train leaves. The voice came again, "Skip church, you won't be able to make it in time to catch the train." I was semi-convinced by that voice and actually hoped that I'll not be able to catch the train. When I arrived at the train station, the train services were down and I had to hop onto the bus to reach my destination. Once again, that voice whispered, "Skip church, the bus journey is just too troublesome." I headed for the exit of the train station, but suddenly the other voice came, "Jon, honour Me." For a few seconds, I was practically walking back and front, not being able to make my decision. Finally, I turned towards the bus and made a dash for it.

During my entire journey to church, I felt a sense of relief that I made the correct decision. I knew my wounds were all going to be itching but I also knew that God will be in control of that. True enough, throughout the day, nothing major happened. God provided me with genuine fellowship today. It was more genuine than I expected and I've never had that for a long time. Not even during my time back home in Penang. I was invited to uncle Mah's house for lunch after church and so I decided that I'll take up the offer after rejecting them for a couple of weeks already. Another family that just arrived in Wellington from South Africa, also came along for lunch and we had a good time over a lucrative meal.

Just listening to them talking about the goodness of God and His faithfulness just encourages me. The lady from South Africa reminds me so much of mummy. She never fails to give praise to God for His deeds and testifies of His goodness in everything.

I also got to know more about the church today. Uncle Mah explained how the church came about and how it was built by the very hands of their church members. Members contributed the materials and built the building up themselves. After hearing about how the church came about, I began to appreciate the church more. I know I was complaining that I wasn't getting much fellowship previously, and that came up as a reason why I drag myself to feet to churches on Sundays. But God thought me something today and that is: when we decide to do our part, God will never disappoint. Bing shared with me weeks ago about his experience in GLO Taiping. And I said this to him then, "When we choose to honour God, He will not disappoint." Those same words were given back to me today.

The voices that discouraged me from going to church today almost had the best of me. I can say that I was securely won over to that side already but by God's grace I managed to hear God's voice. I never knew how soft God's voice is until today. God only repeated one phrase to me today but I'm thankful that I had the faith to hold onto that small still voice and depended on it. After watching "Facing the Giants" on Friday night, I was reminded once again that there will be many voices out there that will be loud and clear and these voices will sound appealing and attractive. But it's during these times that I need to heed the voice of God earnestly and I can only hear him clearly when I choose to look out for His voice.

On my train journey back home, I just decided to take some time to speak to God. And I enjoyed that short moment of pouring out my feelings to Him. I missed those times when I used to do that very often back home and I know recently, I've been drawing away from Him. But that voice; the voice of truth, thought me today that He will grant me strength when I decide to listen and bow down with obedience.

But the giant's calling out

my name and he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times

I've tried before and failed

The giants keep on telling me

"Boy, you'll never win,

you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid"

And the voice of truth says, "This is for my glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe

the voice of truth.

The Voice of Truth - Casting Crowns

Inside Of You

2008-09-24T22:48:00.006+12:00

I just got back from a basketball game, and I don't think I've ever felt so low about myself in my life before. Throughout my time on the court there has been a voice just echoing in my head repeating these words, "You can't play for nuts!". There was once when I had to be part of the team of this guy that I know was quite a sore loser. And I know he hated me because I practically did nothing that helped the team. It was almost like a handicap match of 4 players against 5. I don't blame him, because I know I was pretty useless myself on the court.

I pushed myself hard today. Very hard. For some reason, my body was feeling very weak. My legs were heavy, my body movements were slow and I can't even pull off a proper jump shot without getting an air ball. Frustration only made me work harder but the harder I worked, the more my body was failing me. It came to this point when an opposing player went one on one with me. This was my time and I desperately want to block his shot. He made the jump and I made a slow jump, but I pushed myself over my limit and went body first. For a short moment, everything went blank. The next think I know, I was on the floor with a bruised palm and knee. I must've hit the wall when I landed. The guy I collided wasn't too happy but he gave me his hand and was sporting enough to check if I was in good condition.

The game ended, and I went to the seats with my face buried into my palms. The voice was getting louder and louder and I was just so messed up inside.

I felt like a loser.

I felt like I was so useless.

And I felt like quitting basketball.

That was when I called unto the Lord and said, "Father, help me. Give me strength. Please."

Soon, one of the players injured himself and I was on. Things didn't change much. I was still pretty much useless. But my team members were amazing. They tried setting me up, passing the ball to me more often and managed to help me get one precious point. Jordan was very supportive; he encouraged me and showed appreciation when I made the point. I think he noticed that I was pretty down on myself that night. Nick also did the same and introduced himself to me, plus making efforts to open me up for a clear shot.

When I got back to my room, I realized that there will always be times when things don't go my ways. People may fail me and even I can fail myself. But it's that reminder that God thought me today that He's not far away. In those times when that voice was ringing in my head, I felt far away from Him, but I forgot that He was just a prayer away. To come to think about it, I'm going to keep playing this game for a very long time. So what if I suck at basketball? I know one thing's for sure, God always uses this game to show me that I'm weak and He does what I believe is undoable with my body. And when those moments come, I will remember to look unto heaven and praise Him, saying, "It's all You, God. It's all You."

As a child, you used to dream

There wasn't anything that you couldn't do.

Learn to fly on paper wings,

But somebody told you dreams don't come true.

Some settle for a life, and fake it

And try to keep their hearts from breaking,

But you deft the odds and make it

Worth the going through.

Everyday, you face the fear

With a measure of faith that you need.

And even now, all heaven cheers

For a miracle you're destined to be.

True bravery is bought with sorrow.

Life is but a gift we borrow.

And all the promise of tomorrow

Waits to be revealed.

Inside of you,

There's a heart full of dreams,

Like the gold in a stream to be uncovered.

Inside of you,

Lies a soul made to shine.

Yes, a child meant to fly and discover

All the wonders God can do

Inside of you.

Inside of You - John Schlitt

Twenty Four

2008-09-21T15:00:00.002+12:00

In 24 hours time another year will be added to my age. And I want realize a dream post that I've been waiting to do since 18. When I first heard this song at that age by Switchfoot, I promised myself that I will have a post with those lyrics on it when I'm 24 and that day has finally come. 24 years of my life has passed and I'm thankful to God for everything that has happened and is installed to happen. I'll keep this post short this year and just let the words of the song speak for itself.

Twenty four oceans

Twenty four skies

Twenty four failures

Twenty four tries

Twenty four finds me

In twenty-fourth place

Twenty four drop outs

At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was

Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

There's twenty reasons to admit that I'm wrong

With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out

When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices

With twenty four hearts

And all of my symphonies

In twenty four parts

But I want to be one today

Cantered and True

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man

Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles

To see the world change

Wrestled the angel

For more than a name

For more than a feeling

For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me

Twenty four oceans

Twenty four hearts

All of my symphonies

In twenty four parts

Life was not what I thought it was

twenty four hours

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up and arms

I'm not coping out

Not copping out

Not copping out.

Giveth & Taketh

2008-09-20T01:22:00.006+12:00

Today, I bought my ___th pair of basketball shoe. I can't really remember how many pairs I've bought before but it should be more than 10 pairs. When I started playing basketball, I played in a pair of Bata Power shoes. It served it's purpose, but I sprained my ankle real bad and thus my first pair of proper basketball shoes. Since then, I've had an obsession with basketball shoes and I can still remember how I used to save up lots of shoe pictures and look at them once in a while. But after some years I kinda lost interest. This was because the shoe designs were becoming too "modern" which practically dimmed my interest. I don't really look at a shoe in terms of it's features or this protection and that support. To me, a pair of shoe is all about the looks. As long as they look good, then they are good to go. And I lived on that motto for a very long time. Not until I wore the Adidas T-Mac 2. When I first slipped those onto my leg, my mind was blown away. This feeling of wearing a shoe that had an internal sock made it such a new experience. It felt more like wearing a pair of socks to play basketball and it felt really good too. The fit was perfect and until today, if I can get my hands on another pair of those, I will. But still after that, the shoes that I bought were always because they look good. Some weren't comfortable, some were fortunately good enough but most of them were OK.

So back to today's story. I was allowed to get a new pair of shoes since my Converse Dwayne Wade was wearing thin. Shoes here gets eaten up pretty quickly due to the indoor basketball courts that uses a more solid flooring. When I was at the shop, I tried out the new Air Jordans 23, which were the last of the Jordan series. And for once, I felt that I needed a pair of shoe that doesn't necessarily suit the looks that I demand. After almost 1 hour of trying out different pairs of shoes which weren't that many actually, I decided on this pair:

Though it wasn't the ideal looks that I want for a pair of basketball shoe, this one was very comfortable for me. I can't wait for Wednesday where I'll get to test them out for real and hopefully it'll help me improve my game. But after looking at it for some time, I'm beginning to like it even more and I've my daddy to thank for this lovely gift.

After such an elating time of getting my new pair of kicks, something terrible happened. After gym session was over, I headed to the toilet where I normally leave my sweater and track pants. My sweater was found lying somewhere else and my keys went missing! After taking a good 30 minutes to look for my keys in the toilet, I finally gave up. When I was walking back home, I realized that I wasn't upset about the fact that my keys went missing. I was more upset over the fact that the keychain attached to the key went missing. It was a rubber tag that I got when I bought my pair of Globe skate shoes back in KL. I liked that rubber tag very much and I almost lost it a couple of times but managed to find it back. This time, it was lost for real and I lamented over the fact that something so sentimental in value was gone forever.

When I got my keys replaced, I was hit with a 40 NZD slap for the new censor tag. My fist was thumping my heart internally when the figure was mentioned. Anyway, after settling my new keys and paying 40 NZD to get the censor tag, I was feeling pretty depressed already. But when I was on my way to ICF, I realized that there was nothing for me to be upset about. God gave me a new pair of shoes, and took away something sentimental from me. "The Lord giveth and the Lord takeths" came to my mind as I related to what happened today and there is really no reason for me to be angry at anyone at all. It's sad how we complain when God takes away something from us but don't question or sometimes don't even acknowledge Him when He gives. Still feeling all moody and upset even after knowing the lesson that I need to learn, God decided to shame me on my weak faith. I received this cheque from Shirley as a reimbursement for buying last weeks' refreshments with a grand total of 39 NZD. How much more greater can our God be?

Torches And Lights

2008-09-16T22:45:00.004+12:00

Last weekend I participated in a combined leadership camp that was held in the countryside named Waikanae. It was my first time to this side of the state and I was definitely very excited. Somehow, that excitement kinda died down when the silly boy in me was brave enough to not bring any proper warm clothing. Yes, it was spring and the weather has actually warmed up a little with even the weather forecasts saying so. And therefore, I had the guts to leave my sweater and long johns in my room and went with just one long sleeve tee. So yeah, that was the spoiler of the entire trip and even fell sick due to the very strong and cold winds.

The place was a very beautiful place and it was not exactly a traditional farm, but we managed to catch sight of some sheep and cows. The discussions were good but halfway through I couldn't concentrate much due to fatigue and beginning of the colds and other illness. When night came, I was feeling all cranky and felt that I should just get some early rest. But the gang wanted to go see glow worms and that caught my attention. I've heard a lot about glow worms and I didn't want to waste this opportunity. So off we went and after a series of jungle tracking, we managed to see a weak representation of how beautiful glow worms looked like.

The journey there was not pleasant itself because I'm not a very keen fan of jungle tracking. Moreover, it was dark and at some point, we were too deep in the bushes that we were blocked out from the help of the moonlight. So it was very dark and every minor source of light was vital. Everyone had a torch light in their hand to help them in the journey and mine didn't last that long. After some time, it died on me and I couldn't see my path clearly. It was one of the worst feelings for me; to not be able to see where I was heading and not knowing what was in front of me left me panicking. But in my distress, the person at the back asked if my torch light had died. I replied instantly, and she assisted with some light on my path from her torch light. During the track back to the farm, I was rather quiet because I felt that God had a lesson to teach me. In the midst of all the strong and chilly wind, I asked God what was it that He had prepared for me. As I thought back about the incident, I was questioned about my tendency to do things alone. I'm never much of a team player in anything; may it be in organizing events, group work, team games or even group discussions. I like to do things alone, mainly because I'm an introvert and I prefer to just communicate with my own mind. But because of that habit I feel that I find it so hard to press on in life at times. Like my torch light, the batteries will become weak and die on me, leaving me semi-blind and unable to see my path properly. And at any point I can just fall injure myself. But before that happens, someone offers me some light to help me in this journey so that I can make it to the destination. And I believe that was the main lesson that God wanted me to bring home from the trip that night.

Now that I'm working with a new group of people that has different cultures and ways of doing things, I need to learn to be more team oriented. I need to stop believing that I can do it on my own without the help of other people because I'm only one part of the body and I need the abilities of the rest to make things work. If I keep on living out the

motto of a solo player, I will burn out like those batteries. God has provided me with many people that can share their light with me but sometimes I just choose to overwork my own torch light. Encouragement is what I need and I hope that I'll be able to find some good friends here in NZ that can genuinely share their torches with me and vice versa. It might be a little early to find someone like that now but I do pray that God will provide when the time comes. However, I can rest assure that there is always one source of light that will not die on me, and that is from the creator of all things.

"In Your light, we see light"

My Father

2008-09-14T22:19:00.003+12:00

Exactly a week ago was Father's Day here in New Zealand. It's different from Malaysia, though I don't know why. I've always thought that Father's Day was a universally accepted date, but that didn't seem to be the case here. Anyway, I wasn't really concerned about the whole hype of Father's day and even skipped the special breakfast that my church had on Sunday. The service started and practically the whole thing was dedicated to showing appreciation to the fathers and also the Heavenly Father.

What caught my attention was this song that they played, entitled, "My Father's Chair" by David Meece. The song tells a story of the song writer looking at an empty chair that his father used to sit upon and just lament over the times that he was still around. When the song was being played, they also screened black and white photographs of fathers with their families which didn't help in making me feel that I miss my own dad back home.

Not too long ago, I was talking to him over MSN and I've to admit, I was quite reluctant to talk to him at first. I was still feeling tired from the weekend trip and I just wanted to rest. But anyhow, I took some time to talk to him and I'm glad I decided to do so. Ever since I came over to NZ, my dad has taken some effort to upgrade his knowledge about the Internet age and signed up for an MSN account. I remembered the words that Teng told me when I was telling her that I can't believe I was talking to my dad over MSN, "You see how much your dad does for you?" And I know this phrase is no understatement in any way. My dad has sacrificed much, given up much, and done much for me; so much that a lifetime's just too short to return those favors. When I was a young boy, around the age of 2-3 years old, my dad had his own business running. Times were hard then, and many working people were hit by the Malaysian economical crisis. My dad's business was one of the victims and he was unable to make enough profit to return the loans that he took. He finally sold the business and my family was at their lowest that time. Both my parents only had RM 10 to spend on food and transportation everyday. My dad has always been very optimistic, and though with all these going on, he was still a happy chap. There were many times when he will skip his lunch or some of his friends will treat him and he'll use that extra cash to get me some french fries from McDonalds. Until today, my father is still the same. He never fails to put a higher priority of other people's needs and wants over himself and every time I look at how he treats other people, I'm remembered of how he sacrificed his meals to feed me.

Some time back, I looked at this video on youtube and I think this video just speaks the best of who my father is. The phrase that the girl in the video used was, "My father was generous beyond his means. But the greatest gift he gave me was the gift of love." Which I'm confident of saying about my own father too. I felt the need to take some time to remember the things that my own father has done for me and praise God for him today. I don't want to look at the empty chair in my house one day and regret that he's no longer by my side. It's heartbreaking but I know one day he will have to leave me. But what's more comforting is knowing that we have an eternal home that our Heavenly Father has provided so that we can live together eternally.

In The Shoes Of A Critic

2008-09-12T23:51:00.007+12:00

I don't know how many of you have watched this show, but I find this animated film really fascinating. It inspired me in many ways especially to try out cooking. I know many of you will be raising your eyebrows now with your eyes on the edge of popping, or even bursted into laughter already. But despite all that, yes! I do love to cook, though I never saw myself in the shoes of a person that would like or enjoy cooking either. If you asked my mom, you'll know clearly that I'm an illiterate in terms of cooking and the best thing I can do is cook sausages and eggs. However, after watching this film, I was inspired to try out on cooking. It was not because of the famous mantra being used, "Anyone can cook." After watching the film for a couple of times, including the theatre version, I felt that cooking was something I know I can splash my creative juices on. I used to do that with designing, but I lost interest for that and so now I'll try it on cooking. But this post is not about cooking. I'll leave that for some other time.

My favorite character in this movie has got to be Anton Ego. I felt that his character was just so unique and what he wrote in the end was just so food-for-thought material! For those of you that have not watched it, I'll have to spoil it for you now. Anton Ego was the food critic that didn't believe in the famous chef Gusteau's motto, "Anyone can cook" and he's also known as the "villain" of the show. As his name suggests, he was an egoist and never fails to give negative remarks about other people's cooking. I think I should stop now and spare you all the details. Anyway, the impact came when Anton Ego was served with Ratatouille, a French peasant dish. It hit him hard and after realizing that it was cooked by a rat he came to his senses and said this wonderful speech which I believe was just so indescribably mind blowing.

"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful that our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations; the new needs friends. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize, only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins that those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less that the finest chef in France."

When I heard those words from Anton Ego I felt so touched by his humble praise and words. It was not easy for a person of such high esteem and confidence to bring himself down to the ground and accept defeat. But he experienced defeat when he realized that talent can come from anywhere and there's just so much truth in that whole paragraph of words. But I just want to use one part of it that I believe made an impact in the way I look and judge people.

In many ways, we play the role of a critic in our daily encounters with other people. We criticize another person's outlook, taste, physique, background, behavior, opinion and personality far too much most of the time. It may be said out lout, in the heart, or even discussed without the knowledge of the sufferer. What Anton Ego said made a lot of sense indeed. Criticizing someone requires zero costs, but brings a lot of boost to the person's ego. And in that I shamefully admit to be part of the over-criticizing party. My tongue has always been sharp in it's judgment on other people and what I don't realize is that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and choices. There will be times when opinions of other won't fit or match my jigsaw pieces, and I really need to learn to just wipe it off and say, "Ok, everyone's entitled to their opinion. That's fine." The person I am now, will criticize you in my heart, or you might be lucky enough to see yourself being described in my blog. I defended my acts on such negative speech, but I was foolish enough to believe that I can go on with my untamed tongue. A child of God should learn to be "Slow in speech, and quick to listen." I may be quiet in front of many people, but do not underestimate the evil works that are being engineered in my brain. To those closer to me, you'll know that I won't let you off easily when I feel that there's something I need to tell you. But all in all, I believe God showed me this lesson today through this very simple spend of entertainment. I promise I'll blog again some other time about my passion for cooking. For now, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the sounds of the accordion from the original soundtrack of the movie.

Au revoir

Tender Loving Care

2008-09-07T21:07:00.008+12:00

A few days ago, I injured my back quite severely and I was unable to walk much or even make any major movements. After deciding that I needed some medical attention, I texted a friend, Lesh, and asked if she was able to bring me to the clinic or hospital. She replied me instantly and within 5 minutes she was at the front of my flat with Peter and her sporty ride to rush me to the hospital. In the car, they cracked up silly chats and jokes just to make me feel better. Peter prayed for me when we were waiting for Lesh as she went to park her car and though I didn't manage to get some medical attention, I received way better things. Lesh borrowed me her therapy back thing, gave me a whole box of paracetamols, and even some of her baked chocolate cake! Also, not to mention that the other committee members sent me nice text messages to check on me to see if I was in proper condition and even a text prayer from Shirley. My face beamed when I went to bed that night and though my back was still feeling sore, I felt so much better in a different way.

On a different occasion, I was looking at some updated facebook photographs and I saw some of Kah Heng and Maylin's farewell pictures. In my heart, I know I was wishing that my friends were to give me that same kind of treatment when I was back home. I somehow felt that nobody actually took my departure from Malaysia very seriously. Friends that I expected to receive calls from before I left didn't do so. People that I wanted to meet up with before I left didn't make it also. Instead, I received phone calls from people that I didn't expect and send me off. For the past few days, I've been grumbling in my heart so much about being taken for granted. Yes, I know that it's not the first time. But I can't help feeling neglected after being so close to my group of friends back home in Penang. I felt as if I was treated so loosely like I wasn't that important in their presence, as if I don't matter even if I'm gone. And the feeling grew worse and worse and I even calculated the things they didn't do for me but did for others instead. It was such a painful moment and I suddenly felt so far away from them and even asked myself if they were really true friends of mine. But I soon pushed away those

feelings, telling myself that I'm just thinking too much. However, those feelings refuse to abandon me and I was stuck on those thoughts for some time.

In my desperation, I called out to God. I was hurt inside but at the same time I know I love this group of friends and I hated myself for being so dedicated to them and still feel unappreciated. Given more time on myself as I travelled to church today, I had more time to think but this time I was more positive and that was where God acted and revealed answers to me. When I was in the train, my mind was screening through some random thoughts and it somehow came to a point where I remembered this blog. Ever since I wrote my previous post, there has been a few people that have encouraged me to not stop and continue writing. All of them gave me an assurance that they do get encouraged from reading my blog. And that's why I've decided to not close this blog and continue writing.

What God thought me today was that I should learn to appreciate what I already have. It's the small things that He gives that I often neglect and crave for the bigger things.

I neglected the love that my CF members showed me when they sent me off at the airport and some of them even called me to say their goodbyes.

Jeff and Uncle Mah's family gave me calls but I overlooked their sincerity because I was expecting calls from other people instead.

My relatives spent my last hours with me, taking me out to dinners and even rushed to send me off at the airport.

But wait, there's even more. Who said my friends don't love me?

I remembered how Jeff made me some miniatures he assembled himself and gave me an Incubus CD (though pirated) for my birthday many years ago. He even called me from his office last night to chat with me and updated me a little bit about home.

I also remembered how Alan visited me at GLO Bible School when he was in Taiping and even made it for my graduation months later. He also allowed me to have full ownership of his electric guitar for a good 6 long years and gave me a very solid book as a farewell gift.

A few years back, when Bing was still in KL studying and during his holidays back in Penang, he remembered that it was my birthday. He bought me a glass decoration with a bible verse carved in it and I still have it in my room back home.

Justin bought me an expensive Christmas t-shirt 2 years ago though he was not very well off and he even noticed that I don't have many red t-s

hirts.

Kah Heng made it a point to always keep in touch with me even when I was in Nilai. Because he doesn't come online at all, he'll text me and ask me how I'm doing.

Kah Wei and Sin Yee purposely made a trip down to Penang to spend a whole day with me during my last weekend in Penang.

All of them made it a point to surprise me on my birthday last year during the youth retreat and I have to say, that's the only time I've had a surprise in my life. I was very touched indeed.

May it be my blog or friends, I know one thing's for sure; that God is teaching me to look at the small things in life and not get raved up with the major happenings that my sinful self demands. Tender loving care? I know I've got it; I just need to look nearer next time.

Crossroads

2008-08-31T00:15:00.004+12:00

I think almost all faithful bloggers will come across this crossroad of wanting to abandon their webpage. It can be due to a string of reasons but there's always a point of time where that question does pop in the head of a writer.

Well, at least that's happening to me at the moment. When I started this blog, I wanted this blog to be written for my own memories and also for some closer circled friends to know what's going on in my life. I don't believe that I can write very well, but I do believe that I've lots of thoughts to pen down. It's something I thank God for; to enable me to think deeply and see God in almost everything I do and see. And I want to share those thoughts with other people instead of just keeping them to myself. On the other hand I don't want those thoughts to just fly pass by me. I want to be able to remember those thoughts and be reminded of how great God is when I read them back. With such expectations, I know I shouldn't be expecting many readers or maybe even none. When I don't get comments, I always consoled myself that part of why I'm writing is for my own self anyway. But in the long run, I began to realize that there are actually a number of readers out there. People that just read from a bird eye's view and treat you like a revealed diary are just upright rude in my dictionary. They are branded as "phantom readers" in the blogging world because they just read your blog like a newspaper and has no intention of creating some sort of appreciation for what you write.

I'm not frustrated because I'm not getting comments. I might seem like it though, but I'm fine with none anyway. It's because I know on and off I do get some comments and I will appreciate them more that way. But the thing that's getting me on my nerves are people that have comments but they are not saying it, instead judge you from the outside. If you have something to say, then spit it out! Don't go around and give your judgments to other people about what you read because you're too high an mighty to tell it to me.

That's why I'm considering closing this blog, because I know it's not doing any good to anyone anymore. But again, I'm asking myself this, "Should I stop what I enjoy doing just because of a few rotten apples in the basket?" There are always going to be hiccups and those people that will try to spoil what you enjoy doing, but should I allow it to affect me?

If I decide to stop writing here, I might start writing something somewhere else or might not even publish anything again. I do hope to write again because I enjoy it, but I think at the moment I just don't seem to have answers to why I should continue.

Maybe I should stop writing

because it's not good anyway.

Maybe I should just stop

because I bring more controversy

and people don't get encouraged anyway.

Maybe I should stop

because I might have got it all wrong all this while.

Maybe I do expect readers

and I'm discouraged that I'm not getting much or any.

Maybe writing wasn't meant to be my thing

and I might have fooled myself to believe so.

In the midst of all these doubts,

I hope I can find the courage to write again.

If not,

then I guess it ends here.

Queen Of My Heart

2008-08-15T13:24:00.005+12:00

This morning I received an e-mail from my dad with this picture in it. For those of you that are not informed, my mom is an ex-cancer patient. She was diagnosed with breast cancer middle of last year, but she has recovered. And though there were recent scares of a relapse, it didn't happen and God has truly been gracious to her.

After her recovery, my mom attached herself to this Hospice Organization to help motivate and also support past and current cancer patients. She felt that it was her calling to be part of this support group and every Saturday, she'll spend her mornings there interacting and sharing her experiences with the rest of the members. The latest event that she got herself involved with was this charity event that you can read about for yourself. She took part in this cat walk to exhibit some different clothes and those that did the walk were all ex-cancer patients. Excited as always, she tried out some of the clothes during one of the afternoons when I was still back home in Penang. Some of the dresses were her own and she was amazed that she could still wear them cause most of them are pretty old. It cracked me up when she made this statement, "See? Your mummy is still in shape despite giving birth to two big babies. Not bad eh?"

I remember looking at some of my mom's old photographs in the album and I was surprised that my mom was actually quite a beauty back then. She was very slim and she had really big and beautiful eyes. Without any wrinkles surrounding the eyes, she looked really beautiful indeed.

My mom will be turning 51 this year (she's as old as Malaysia) and she has grown really old especially in her looks. Though her new grown hair was pretty cool; it was curly and 90% black, but the wrinkles in her face and neck really shows that she's getting old. But looking at her, I think she has become an even more beautiful person now. This new found beauty is no longer in the outward appearance but in the heart. For those of you that knows my mom personally would agree to the fact that she doesn't withdraw her hands from doing anything for other people. She visits the sick, old and young, spends time doing Bible study with other people and even mentoring new Christian ladies. She was/is a homemaker, but that doesn't mean she had a lot of free time. Staying in the midst of a housewife for almost all my life, I can testify that it is truly one of the most noble and difficult jobs. However, that statement doesn't apply to all homemakers though. There are many out there that are actually pretty free and even has enough time to go shopping and sip coffee at the cafe. That's not the kind of housewife I can say about my mom. My mom defies the theories of limitations, because there is no boundaries to what she can achieve and do for this family. There is a reason why homemakers are called Supermoms, and I've been living with one.

But among all of my mom's ministries, the most recognized one would definitely be the lip services that she does for God. If there's one thing I can say about my mom, is that she is never ashamed to proclaim God's goodness in everything. Such is the unspeakable and genuineness of the joy that she has for what God has done for her in this life. And every time I'm with her, she tells me stories on God has been so real to her and that intimate relationship that she shares with Him. It's moments like these that encourages me and I remember those words that she says.

Before I left Penang, I left some photographs and a letter on my parent's table. In that letter, I expressed my love for them and I called my dad my hero. As for my mom, I called her my confidante. She never fails to encourage me and even though I rarely respond to her sayings, they are like manuals for my life and they shape me into what I am today.

If I am ever capable of writing a book/biography, it would definitely be about my mom's life.

If there is anything worth mentioning about my life, it will be about the impact of my mom's existence.

If there is someone that I can place as second to God, it will be none other than her.

There will be no woman that can replace hers' as the "Queen of my heart".

Charm is deceptive,

and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the LORD

is to be praised.

God's Gracious Gift

2008-08-14T17:29:00.004+12:00

Jonathan - God's Gracious Gift

Back home in Penang, I have this wooden carved plate with those words hanging on my bedroom door. Coincidently my chinese name Yan Kit, also has a meaning that's along the line of grace. I don't think my parents knew that my English and Chinese name actually coincides when they decided to name me. However, I believe that name actually suits me. It's not a self praise statement and you'll realize that soon enough.

I'm thankful that through my upbringing I've grown up to be someone rather gracious. Before you bombard me, let me clarify that statement: I am gracious, to strangers most of the time or at least towards people that I'm not really close to.

There's always that part of me that never fails to open the door and allow others to walk through first. There's also that part of me that always sympathizes with old and disabled people. I remember giving an old lady a drive home to her flat. Once, I was walking on the bridge towards the KTM station from Mid Valley and I helped an old lady carry her heavy load of groceries. Numerous times I've offered my seat to anyone that's simply older than me in the train and bus. I feel good when I help someone and it leaves me with a smile when I know I've done a good deed.

But I don't think I'll be able to say the same with people that are closer to me. My close friends, family members will understand what I'm talking about. I tend to be quite demanding and I admit that the gracious part of me hardly reveals himself with a closer group of people. It's something unexplainable, seriously. Ironic isn't it, to be able to treat people that don't really matter with more grace than people that are more important in your life? But that's just how my character works and it has been quite a struggle for me.

One of the major portion of this struggle deals with adapting to different people. For the past 5 years, I've been given a number of opportunities to live with different people and I've found it a struggle to adapt to their lifestyle. When I was attending GLO Bible school in Taiping, I shared a house with 3 other orang asli girls. I get seriously upset when the pots, plates and bowls are not arranged according to their sizes. They tend to make noise at the wrong time of the day, especially during the afternoon when I'm taking my naps. And they don't seem very hygienic at times. I remembered one particular incident, where I was supposed to clear off the trash. But I left on Thursday to go home to Penang for the weekend. When I got back on Sunday, the thrash was still there and the maggots were all having the time of their lives with the leftovers! I was utterly disgusted but there was nothing I can do about it. After that, I left for Nilai, where I lived with a Johor boy. He turned out pretty OK actually, and he was actually one of the best roommates I had. Though I had to clean the room most of the time and made sure the place was in proper habitable condition, I didn't mind. We hardly communicated, but he sleeps in the wee hours in the morning which disrupts my sleep at times. My second roommate was from Seremban and was also quite a nice guy. Though at times he had stress/anger management problems, we got along pretty well and had good pillow talks too. The last roommate I had in Nilai before I left was somewhat the opposite of pleasant. He had an odor that smells of baby vomit, sleeps all the time and still complains of time insufficiency and claims to be busy/tired. Again, I didn't mind doing the sweeping and mopping just to make sure the place was presentable. On that day he decided to do it instead, the broom and mop only reached his half of the room.

I looked back at those experiences and I realized that grace seems so hard to exercise when the person is the closest to you. My good friends, they know what a demanding person I am. I get frustrated, irritated, agitated at the smallest things and I put the blame on them and confront them without making proper investigations at times. Not such a nice guy after all huh?

I was about to use the bathroom this morning when my housemate decided to rush in before me and took his own sweet time. It took him almost 15 minutes to get out of the bathroom and I was running late already. Worst thing was he doesn't know how to clean up his own juices from the toilet seat. The horrifying sight of yellow liquid all around the toilet seat added more coals to my already raging self. Ok, maybe it was my fault (except for the toilet seat incident) that I should've used the bathroom earlier, but I'm just irritated. There was nothing wrong he did (except for the toilet seat incident again); it's just me being ungracious in my actions and thoughts. As I took time to think, these thoughts on how ungracious I can be switched on. I am thankful that God gave me a naturally gracious character and I enjoy being a good civilian in society. But at the same time, in my imperfections I fail to show that same love and gentleness to people that are in my closer circle. These words struck me hard when I was listening to the Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace, "Unending love, Amazing Grace."

Glimpsing at the character of Jonathan in the Bible, I've learned that he was a real gift of grace towards David. And I know that's what God has set me to do in life: to be that gracious gift in the lives of many people.

Shoelaces

2008-08-08T11:46:00.003+12:00

Ever wondered how something like tying your shoelaces can be such a routine?

Well, at least I do. But it wasn't such a routine when I got my very first pair of shoes with laces.

I remembered having my first pair when I was 6 years old and I practically fell in love with shoelaces. My eyes adored my new white and blue striped laces and I would even glance at them after every two-three steps when I walk. The best part, was tying. My mom thought me a few methods to tie my shoelaces.

Method 1:

Make two loops with each hand, combine them and make a ribbon.

Method 2:

Make one loop, and the other lace around that loop. Then finish it like method 1.

It was fun and exciting back then. Just tying my shoelaces over and over again can actually amuse me and keep me all hyped up. Sometimes while walking, I'll bend down to untie and tie them back just for the fun. It was simply exhilarating and a very cheap way of fun indeed.

But they don't seem to excite anymore. Shoelaces today are not more than strings that keep my shoes snugged to my feet. There's no more fun, excitement or any sort of amusement playing with shoelaces anymore.

Just yesterday, I was walking back from lectures and my shoelaces got untied. I almost tripped and fell when I stepped onto them, but managed to somehow balance myself. While bending down to tie them, a sudden reflection of childhood memories on how I used to love tying my shoelaces dawned upon me. It was just a silly old memory and I smiled to myself after remembering how much I loved my shoelaces when I was kid. But the later thoughts of how life has moved on so fast saddened me. Moments like these will always make you sigh and say, "How I wish I was a kid again". The whole experience of growing up and maturing tends to just rob you more and more from the excitement that you can get in life. And it goes the same way with Christianity as well. All the hype and excitement of being a young Christian makes you seem like a child again, learning the new way of life. We ask questions like, "How should I pray?", "Can I do this and not do that?" or "Is it all fine to read/listen/hear/watch such stuff?"

They're new things that bring fresh fun and excitement into life. But how long do those new things excite and keep us passionate? Soon, the Christian walk becomes a very mundane process just like tying shoelaces and though we live like we're a Christian, talk, walk and even dress like one, it would feel normal to do so. There will come a point when Christianity becomes so natural and to act in that manner makes us look like zombie Christians. We sing, go to church, pray, talk about "godly" stuff, do Christian services and go for camps because it's just the norm to do it if you are a Christian! And there's no joy and excitement in them anymore.

We forget the real intentions of those things.

We forget what God really means to us.

And we forget the real purpose of being a Christian.

That is when the shoelaces becomes loose, unties itself, no longer binding, and trips the master. Christianity "cultures" can kill and coming from a Christian background and family, the tendency is even stronger. I was talking to someone the other day and there were mentions about a pastor's son that became so cynical about Christianity. He observed and began to feel as if it was becoming like a cult! And those thoughts snapped me, just like how those shoe laces tripped me. This verse from Revelation 2 came to my mind when I was thinking about those thoughts, "I know your works, your labour, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name's sake and have not become weary. Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love."

God is no fool and He knows what we're doing and why we're doing it. Just like how he told the church in Ephesus that they have lost their first love despite doing so much and being tireless in their service. And God's message is simply this:

"Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place- unless you repent."

Glow

2008-08-02T12:05:00.003+12:00

"Jon, are those your photos?" My Vietnamese housemate asked as he stepped out of the bathroom and saw the collage of photos that I've pasted up on the wall. "Can I have a look?" He asked and I invited him in to have a look. We had a very small chat and he started talking about his family and how his daughter was only one month when he had to leave her to come and do his Masters here in New Zealand. Leaving my room, he went to take his own set of photographs and showed me pictures of his young daughter and wife. I could notice that sense of joy and unspeakable gladness from his smile and laughter. It was as if he couldn't find the right words to match the happiness that he has in his heart. That made me smile too, looking at the pictures of his very adorable young daughter. Our conversation soon ended and my mind somehow jump started with thoughts. It was as if God was speaking to me and the Holy Spirit running a film of thoughts through my brain.

A week ago, I was at Mrs. Fraser's house and she talked so much about her family. She had that glow on her face when she talked about her son's achievements and now he's established a wonderful career in the United States. Two weeks back, Uncle Hoong (my dad's friend from Malaysia) mentioned about his son who shared the same name as me. That glow was also present. When I first arrived in Auckland, Uncle Lai Chai (another dad's friend) was talking about his son who also loved music and played in a band. He was no exception in having that same glow flashing from his face.

This was what God said about Job when Satan decided to pay a visit, "Have you considered My servant Job, that there is none like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, one who fears God and shuns evil?"

God the Father mentioned these exact words about Jesus, "You are My beloved Son; in You I am well pleased."

There's always this unspeakable pride and joy that a child carries for the parents. They bring so much happiness by just mentioning them. And as I was thinking about it, I know that my parents have the same glow when they talk about me to other people. To be honest, I failed to spend some time with God as I initially planned today, but this thoughts made me open my Bible and think. It's amazing how God works and this is a challenge that I'm charged with today. Will God be saying the same things about me as he said about Job, that he has someone that is blameless, upright, fears God, and shuns evil? And will God say, "In you I am well pleased."

I pray that I'll be able to put

that same glow of pride and joy

on God's face

when he speaks of me one day.

Crying Out For Help

2008-07-31T11:54:00.005+12:00

After two weeks of trying out different churches, I'm still contemplating on two options:

Decide on one of the two churches I've visited.
Try out one more church before choosing one.

Church 1: The Kings Arm Church

Pros

Has good vision on missions.
Has a fairly good mix of young people and adults, and it feels rather homely.
Good teaching also, but it's non-denominational, open for non-christians and therefore communion is only once a month.
No veiling.
No tongues and lifting of hands being practiced.
And I think silence of women is practiced also.
They have a small band but the music is pretty mellow, nowhere near PlanetShakers.

Cons

Not many asians or Malaysians in particular.
Traveling distance is a barrier. It'll take me 45 minutes to reach there by train.
High traveling costs. It'll cost me 6 NZD for one trip so that'll be 12 NZD a week just on train rides.
Has no youth work despite the amount of youths available.

Church 2: Mansfield Street Gospel Hall

Pros

Has a very simple setting and very typical brethren indeed.
Rather small and warm church also.
Practices are very brethren like veiling for all women, silence of all women, communion every week, and Spirit lead worship is practiced.
Distance is nearer and most probably be free cause someone will be coming to pick me up.
Mission is also in mind; done the old style - opening up the church for gospel meetings and giving out free meals and food in exchange for free talks.

Cons

The church's average age would be 70 plus, which means out of the 15 odd people that were present, 10 were around that age.
Though brethren in nature, I feel that there's a deep vacuum in understanding of scriptures from what I've observed from the sharing on Sunday.
Not many activities other than Sundays meetings.

I never encountered such a problem in my life where I've to actually look for a church. There's never been such a challenge for me, cause throughout my life, I've always been allocated to churches and they've been good. When I was allocated to Nilai Gospel Chapel, I fitted in immediately. There was no fuss about it because everything had a good balance. But here, if you want to get in touch with some young people, you'll need to go to some rock-down-the-house kind of churches that are specifically catered for young people. Brethren churches here are for the old folks and I had a taste of it myself. It was no joke, seriously. I thought it would be all right to just go to a brethren church that had all old people. But no, the taste of it was far more difficult to swallow than I thought it would be. It felt weird just talking to them. They'll come and talk to you about their children, their grandchildren and how they ended up here in New Zealand. It's not that they are bored topics, but I'm totally inexperienced in this field and it was a challenging time talking to them.

I didn't think that finding a church here could be so difficult, but now I guess I need to seek God deeper in prayer. It is difficult finding a church that has a good youth group and still remains conservative in some sense. Malaysia is definitely an exception. I'll just have to see what God wants for me and what is important. If any one of you that knows me personally and decides to encourage me, then leave me a comment to say that you're praying for me or give me feedback if you feel like doing so. I would seriously need that at the moment and it will be very much appreciated indeed.

Rain

2008-07-26T16:45:00.005+12:00

Two weeks ago, during CF meeting, they screened this short clip over the projector. The title of the clip was "Rain" and it was only about 10 minutes. But the message behind it was so much heavier in value and the message, though simple had a very strong impact. Today, about 12 PM, I was talking to Bing and he was telling me about how things have not been that good back home. People are failing, the Devil is active and trials/temptations have been knocking on the doors of many individuals. After talking to him, I left the flat to get some items in town and as I was walking, I said this to myself, "Things back home are just not any better than my own."

I thought I was having a hard time with my own difficulties, but now I know that there are many others that are also in the same situation as me. They may not express it like I do or even show it, but deep inside they know that times are getting hard. My mom also went through a trial this month. She had to go under the knife again after some lumps were found in her breasts. Thank God that it wasn't cancerous. That was one of my fears before leaving home; to be unavailable when she goes through such hardships. I've already missed it when I was away in Nilai and I wanted to be with her when she was going for the operation. My dad, in his discreteness didn't express his worries, but I know deep inside, he would worry much more than any one of us.

Looking back at all the trials that has been going, that clip, "Rain" made me really cry deep inside. There was a very short story in the clip where a man was bringing his son for a walk through the woods. His son was strapped onto a bag that the man carried behind. As they were walking, rain started to pour and it became heavier and heavier. The son soon starts to cry and shouts vigorously after being soaked in all this rain. Quickly, the man unstrapped the son from his back and grasps him closely in his arms, keeping him closely to his chest. And throughout the remaining journey, he whispered to his son, "It's OK buddy. Daddy knows the way home. We're gonna make it."

Walking out of my flat, it started to rain for real. And as I put on my hood, this Psalm came into my mind, Psalms 121. This Psalm was used as a testimony by my own mom when she had breast cancer last year. The day when she had to go for the operation, she sat by the window of her room and read Psalms 121:

I will lift my eyes to the hills -

From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the LORD,

Who made heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

The LORD is your shade at your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;

He shall preserve your soul.

The LORD shall preserve your going out

and your coming in

From this time forth, and even

forevermore.

The moment she finished reading this Psalm, she looked out of the window and lifted her eyes realizing that a clear vision of the mountains were visible from her view. She couldn't find the words to express herself as she saw how great God was in His timing and comfort which underlined this belief that she has thought me since I was a kid, "God's timing can never be anymore perfect." When the nurse pushed her bed to enter into the operation ward, she teared up, and the nurses asked her if she was afraid. She replied, "I'm not afraid. Because my God promised that He will be with me."

My mom looked through the rain, and she rested fully on those words when God was holding her in His arms and whispering, "It's OK buddy. Daddy knows the way home. We're gonna make it."

As the rain continued to pour down, I listened as God spoke to me all over again. Playing on my iPod was this song by Casting Crowns, "Praise You In This Storm". And as those words played in my mind, I said prayers for my friends back home, I thanked God for my family's safety, and I praised God that He is grasping me in my storms. I cried writing this post, because I know I've been like that child too many times, just crying my heart out and not noticing that God is there. Bing, if you're reading this, I hope it will encourage you also just as how God has encouraged me. It's easy to say, "I know that God's by my side and I trust Him." It's also easy to say many other things, but when the storms come, we know they make us weak and God wants us to call out to Him and seek His strength. Now, let the lyrics of Casting Crowns continue to speak and praise the maker of heaven and earth.

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down,

and wiped our tears away,

Stepped in and save the day.

But once again, I say Amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away.

And I will praise You in this storm,

and I will lift my hands,

for You are who You are,

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side,

And though my heart is torn,

I will praise You in this storm.

I remembered when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

My strength is almost gone how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills,

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills,

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.

My God Is So Big

2008-07-17T21:00:00.006+12:00

"Hey, you go alpha."

*What's alpha?*

"Hey, hey! Topper. Play topper. Run when you see the rebounds."

*What's a topper?*

"Back door! Back door!"

*What's back door??*

What would alpha, topper, and backdoor simply mean in a game of basketball? I never used such jargons in my entire playing career and thus, my head went blank when those words were tossed at me. On Friday, I was invited by a CF member to join them for basketball on Wednesday nights. There was by no chance I was going to miss this so I immediately accepted the offer. That got me excited and pumped up throughout the weekend up till the day. Wednesday came quick enough and I was all ready to go for the game. Phil was supposed to come pick me up by 7:20 p.m. in front of my flat so I got ready by 7 p.m. I got dressed in a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and my pair of running shoes (My basketball shoes are still upon arrival from Penang, so I'll have to bare for a while). Took a quick look in my bag and checked for my bottle of water, an extra t-shirt and a towel. So, off I went and with perfect timing, Phil arrived as soon as I walked out to the entrance of my flat. When I got into the car, I came to senses that weather was actually pretty cold. I thought to myself, "Never mind. It's an indoor court. There should be heaters in there." By the time we arrived, I was freezing and my teeth were knocking against each other. The hall wasn't ready for use yet so we waited in the car and considering that the building was on top of a hill, the temperature was a lot lower. For 10 minutes, we were sitting in the car and by that time, I could feel the chilly cold air freezing my lungs every time I inhale some air. My voice started to become pitchy and my finger nails even turned purple. When we finally got inside, I got a shock of my life. The weather inside was no different from outside! My knees were almost to the point of knocking against each other. But I quickly did some warm ups and stretching to keep myself warm. However, I was still freezing and my hands and legs felt like frozen meat. I couldn't even make a proper jump shot because my body was so stiff. More and more people came in and after we had 10 players on the court, the game started to roll.

I was pretty confused in the first game that we played. As mentioned above, all the new jargons were being used and I wasn't used to it at all. But after playing a couple of games, I got used to it and I tried my best to play my roles. I wouldn't say I had the best of games, and I definitely disappointed a couple of times when I had a clear chance of scoring but I was pretty nervous and I didn't put the ball through the hoop. The players here are pretty competitive, but professionally aggressive. For once, I didn't get elbowed or pushed harshly like how it happens so often back home. Box out (When you mark a player and stand in front of him, waiting for a rebound) seemed so much more easier and proper when the players don't rush like a group of sharks waiting for meat to drop. The pace of the game was fast, and I'm amazed at how these guys can play at such lightning speed. They run like cheetahs and their recovery from ground to air, and air to ground pretty much shows their quality. Just looking at some of the players fast breaking down the court, cutting between lanes and finishing it with a sky high lay up really motivated me. In one of the games, I remembered very clearly something that happened. I was playing with a not so good team and we weren't doing that well in terms of score and getting the ball to move. We got intercepted quite a lot and the rebounds were not in our favours. Moments before, I missed a wonderful opportunity, and I slapped my forehead for the umpteen time that night. I was going pretty hard on myself but I decided to say a prayer to God, "Father, please help me. You are my strength. Show me your might." In a split moment, I did stuff that I didn't expect myself to do and I was convicted that God answered my prayer. But it was just for a short moment. I believe God didn't prolong that period so that I can keep myself humble and not let my head become too big.

When I got home, I was starving, freezing, walking with a limp, and had a slight fever that was probably caused by the cold weather. But it was all worth it. After all the excitement, the freezing experience, the jargons indigestion, and post injuries made it an even more complete night. God showed me tonight that there's more excitement to come besides this. After having a rough start in this country, I'm reaffirmed that I'll be able to still enjoy my time just as much as I did in Nilai. He showed it through His might tonight, and I know God's strength will see me through it all. All He needs to do is just flex those perfect muscles.

My God is so big,

So strong and so mighty,

There's nothing my God cannot do.

Reflections

2008-07-16T13:47:00.006+12:00

O Lord, the Creator of the universe,

Why have I settled in this

void?

I'm missing out on your presence

And your voice is getting softer.

I looked outside my window,

And I all I see are shadows.

I stared at the buildings across my flat,

And I find no soothing in this fact,

That I think I'm living

But I'm actually only existing.

The world and all it's pleasures,

My eyes have seen and taken stature.

Thy Word has lost it's heat,

And I no have longer taken heed,

But have swallowed the seeds

That this world has made me eat.

The fool stands by the street,

Holding some booze and weed.

And soon I will be unfit,

To sit there at Your feet.

I cried out to the Lord,

And asked for a lot,

But thy Word has lost its heat,

And I have no longer taken heed,

But turn my ears to seek,

What man is willing to feed.

Wretched I am

I must admit,

And my soul will descend

If I do not repent.

O Lord my God,

Where art thou O Lord?

Show me once more

Like how You did it before,

On how you love me,

And Your grace so free.

I looked outside my window

And looked beyond the shadows.

I stared at the buildings across my flat,

And I began to realize that,

The reflections of nature,

Reminds me that He has always been here.

I woke up this morning

Knowing for sure of something,

That God has never left me

And I can be assured,

Because God's presence is visible

In the reflections across my window.

Love Never Fails

2008-07-13T21:08:00.007+12:00

I have been listening to a lot of love songs lately. This is not happening because I met someone and got struck by the cupid's arrow or anything along that line. It's just that I found a large stash consisting of a few gigabytes of old songs. And being old in it's nature, they were definitely really good and pleasing to the ears. So I just kept them looping over my playlist and most of them are really good old hits that I enjoyed very much. Talking about love songs, I realize that it's just so easy to dazzle someone with words. But doing what those songs actually say, I think that'll take a different set of effort in order to fulfill. Also, talking about love songs, I would like to congratulate these two newly weds; Congratulations Kah Heng & May Lin!

Through it all, God has finally blessed this two with a rewarding marriage that I believe they would treasure. I never believed that love comes at first sight, like what is always seen in the theaters. It takes a lot of sacrifice, hard work, giving in, changing, refining, tears and heartaches to actually make a relationship work. This couple has thought me one lesson that I believe will come in handy when I handle my own relationship in the future. They've shown me that love comes more from responsibility and commitment rather than feelings or emotions. There's always this tendency where people believe that love comes from the heart and it's about feelings and emotions. When it's not there, then it's time to move on. But true love, comes from God and the Bible says that it doesn't fail. I'm pretty sure that for most of us that has known them throughout their relationship would be really happy for them, foreseeing what they've gone through. It was truly an occasion that I wished I could attend very much but I guess distance was a very huge barrier for me indeed. My heart pretty much melted when I saw those photographs of their marriage. The smiles on their face seem to flash out the joys that were in their hearts and I do share this joy with them too. Marriage has never failed to put a smile on anyone's face. For those that are single, regardless if you're male or female, you'll get all dreamy and wonder how it would be like during your own wedding. Married ones will normally be reminded of their own marriage, bringing back those sweet memories that they had. If a marriage on earth can bring so much joy and celebration, I wonder how it would be like in heaven, when Jesus finally marries the church. It's just unimaginable, but the anticipation does excite. However joyous the celebration of this marriage was, the process was definitely painful. The process of sticking together through thick and thin can be painful but faithfulness can finally bring them together. I see this as another challenge for me being part of the church to strive and go through this painful period. The marriage will be a lot more rewarding when we know that we've been through so much to get there.

Kah Heng & May Lin, I do pray that God will continue to bless your marriage and many others through it.

"Love never fails."

Absent

2008-07-10T23:55:00.004+12:00

I've been absent from church for two weeks consecutively, and my third is just coming right up this weekend. I know, it doesn't sound very healthy and some of you might have even labelled me as a backslider by now. It's dangerous to be out of church, and I know the dangers and reality it. However, it has not been totally my fault. Let me just reason it out here to show you what I mean.

I e-mailed GLO Australia (a bible school that I used to attend when I was 18) before I came to New Zealand. And someone familiar gave me a very quick reply with promising news that he has forwarded my e-mail to Mr/Mrs A that used to live in New Zealand (they're in Australia now). He also mentioned that the person used to be in charge of the GLO New Zealand and that got my hopes on high. But after that, no more news.

A friend back in Penang had friends in New Zealand and he e-mailed them on my behalf enquiring of a good assembly. The e-mail was replied to my friend showing promise again, by asking for my details and that they'll be glad to help. I read the e-mails after my friend forwarded it to me and I immediately e-mailed them, Mr/Mrs B; giving them my details and waited eagerly for their reply. But the end result was the same as Mr. A's case.

My father e-mailed a good friend about my issue and he also e-mailed Mr/Mrs A. By the way, the person that forwarded my e-mail earlier was the father of this person enquiring on my behalf. Until now, the results have yet to changed.

I've been left feeling frustrated, and bitter over the fact that I can't get any help from people that are supposedly reliable to the people I know. My patience has grown really thin and I told Bing the other day how frustrated I was at not being able to get any help at all! In actual fact, I could easily follow my friends to their church on Sunday. They go to a few different churches and I can just follow them, but I know that I really want to attend an assembly that holds on to the truth. And that was why I made it a point to contact reliable sources. But it doesn't seem to turn out in a very positive manner somehow.

Maybe I should just tag along and go to church with my friends.

Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself to skip church.

Maybe I should stop being so frustrated and do something about it instead of complaining on how people are treating me.

Maybe I should trust God because He knows what's best and I should know better that He's in control of this matter.

*sigh* I definitely miss church and I don't know how I'm going to survive without any longer without attending any church. I've been to church almost all my life and I don't think I've ever skipped church twice in one go. Not going to church on sunday just doesn't feel right and uncomfortable. Well for now, I can only wait and hope that someone will reply me by Saturday at most. If not, I'll just tag along my friends to their church until I get a reply?

Maybe God is teaching me how to appreciate church more and not take it for granted that it'll always be available. Now I know how persecuted Christians around the world feel when they are not able to go to church. The feeling is utterly... painful.

The Warehouse Experience

2008-07-03T21:37:00.006+12:00

This is my very first time actually blogging from a foreign destination and I hope it won't be my last. It's not that I get to come around this side of the world very often, so the thoughts and the experiences are definitely essential for me to jot down. Anyway, it can also act as an update for my friends that do read my blog (that's if they DO read my blog).

It's been almost a week since I left hot sizzling Malaysia to be chilled by the so-famous winds of Wellington. And I can testify that the wind here is really aggressive. Tonight was the windiest I've experienced so far and when my friend and I was walking back to our flat, we could feel the pressure of the wind pushing against us. It was as if it had a mind on it's own, sweeping anything that comes along it's pathway. I've to hold onto my map very tightly whenever I look at it. Without a warning, the wind can just decide to strike and before I know it, my map will be taken along with it.

The past few days have been just about walking around, exploring the city and discovering places that can meet my various needs. On Tuesday morning, I left out to find a hypermarket called "The Warehouse". It was supposedly the place where people can get cheap bedding, household and kitchen items. The location was estimated to be around 30-45 minutes by foot from my flat but that really depends on the pace that I walk in. So I headed out at 10 a.m. with a mini map in my pocket. Guess how long it took me to get there? When I finally found the place, it was 4 p.m. already. I had such a hard time recognizing the roads and after straying from the main roads a few times, I practically explored the whole main city areas. After all the toiling to find the place, I ended up leaving the place in 10 minutes, empty handed! I ended getting the stuff I need from places I've already visited from the previous days.

As I was back in my cozy room, and looking out of my room, I suddenly felt the absence of being so conveniently provided back home in Malaysia. The void became more real as I realized that I'm not here for a short holiday of one or two weeks. I'm going to stay here for at least a year and a half! I started to question my decision to come here to study and whether it was actually a good decision to leave Malaysia after all. Sure, the anticipation and excitement before leaving was thrilling but after arriving here with nobody else to assist other than God and some friends, I felt the pinch of reality. Everything suddenly sunk in and things got worse when I started to miss home. In the midst of all this, I told myself that I'll not continue to stay here to work after my studies. Forget PR! I'm going back to Malaysia when I've graduated. And my thoughts just continued to sulk and pour self pity on myself until a sudden light just cleared all those clouds. It was as if God intervened and said, "Enough! Stop all this empathy!" I began to rethink of the journey that I took to come to New Zealand and I see how God has been in total control of everything. He saw me through the hurdles that I had to face when I boarded the planes and managed go through despite my overloaded luggage. When I arrived, I had no Internet connection, and there was no way for me to contact my ex-roommate. God provided me with a way to find him when he allowed me to bump into an old classmate from Nilai. I was feeling the pressure that I won't be able to cope well with the studies here. But God lightened my load and I only need to do two papers this semester and still complete my course within the promised time frame. What more does God need to do to show me to ensure me that He has and will continue to protect and take care of me wherever I go? My lack of faith has truly revealed itself again this time.

Looking back at the Warehouse searching experience, I thought it was not really a total waste of time. When I was walking around town with my friend today, the town wasn't that foreign to me and I can actually identify the place well now. After walking around in circles and bumping into the same roads and dead ends for hours, it has paid off in another way. That was when I woke up to realization that God was teaching me something again. Sometimes, we take a longer time to reach a certain destination. My life has been an example of that because I'm taking a longer road to finish my studies. In that extra long time that I take to reach, I believe that it will not be wasted. A lot of good can always come out from it. And I realize that God is telling me that no matter how long I'm going to take before returning back to Malaysia, the time being spent in between will not be wasted. The experiences will continue to shape me as a person and a as a Christian just like how Nilai has done to me.

I felt that the voices in me today was like Job's wife. With just a tiny bit of troubles coming along, it was telling me to just "curse God and die". Man's heart is always deceitful as being said in Isaiah and I know mine is no different. There will be times when storms will come and hit my life and I'll ask God, "Why Lord?" There will also be occasions when I'll lose faith and take things into my own hands and handle them to what my deceitful heart tells me to do. Despite all these, I know that it's not a passport or exception for me to blame God or think that it's just a normal reaction. Trusting and putting my faith in God is a testing thing to do, and enduring it will show the health of my relationship with Him. I do pray that on that day when I stand at the Wellington airport and prepare to leave, I can claim this verse and praise God.

"In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong."

Cause I'm Leaving on a Plane.

2008-06-26T04:54:00.004+12:00

I'm hours away from leaving this beautiful island again, but I'm just in this confused state of mind right now. This is a very new feeling to me and I'm pretty sure I've never met it before. There's something really raw and fresh about this feeling, with no signs of Deja vu appearing. A mixture of excitement of discovering a whole new world and yet the prospect of missing home, feeling lost, and coping with pressures are just not making any sense to me now. Inside my heart, I feel this big void that I can't seem to discover what's causing it. The fact that I'm leaving has not even sunk in me yet. Every time I think that I can go somewhere or do something, I'll need to remind myself that I won't be able to do it any time soon. But why am I feeling this way? I seriously doubt that I'm going to miss Malaysia that much. At the same time, I don't believe that I'll enjoy New Zealand to that level where I'll right off a comeback.

Maybe, God's teaching me something. Maybe He's teaching me to never put my hope in the things of this world. No where can be perfect, and no where can replace the place that God has prepared which will be beyond our imaginations.

There's just too much for me to think about at the moment, but I just want to leave them aside for now. With my last moments here on the beautiful island of Penang, I want to just savour every moment that I have remaining. Many people ask me how long I'll be in New Zealand, but I can't really give them an exact answer. I tell some that I'll be going for one and a half years of studies, and some I'll add that I'm planning to work and get a Permanent Residence there also. But deep inside, I wish time can just pass as quickly as possible to the time where I'll come back to Malaysia. I know it's a known mystery that many people that has gone overseas never wanna come home to Malaysia again, but I don't want to surrender to such an act. This is where I'm born, and I'm proud of it. No matter how inefficient the government is and how bad the traffic is here, I can boldly say that I love my country. But, I don't want to speak so soon. It's going to be hard, especially now that I'm going to a more structured and organized society. Things may change, and I can change my opinion, but I hope I don't.

Oh man, I just can't take this anymore. My mind's just not comprehending this situation at all. I can't even imagine how would it be like when I enter into the plane on Friday evening; what more imagining how New Zealand would be like?

Anyway, I'll just let the moments then to sweep me off my feet.

I know one thing's for sure. I'm going to miss the people here. Nothing can replace the people that I've met here in Penang and I'm confidently positive about that. I just hope, when I've done what I need to do in New Zealand, I'll return to Malaysia. God willing, after that I'll be write another post with the same title. But this time, I'll be leaving to come home.

Father in Heaven,

this journey that I'm about to take,

I commit it to You.

I'm scared,

and I just can't seem to pickup my faith

to trust in You.

Help me O Lord,

to hold onto You tightly,

and know that when I have you in sight,

I will never need to be scared anymore.

Amen.

Glory

2008-05-23T00:26:00.004+12:00

Manchester United, Kings of Europe once again!

Many fans around the world would have gone through the same roller coaster ride that I went through last night. The intensity and anticipation of the match was such that everyone would have almost shed tears and cheered with vigour at different periods. From the time Christiano Ronaldo capped a flawless header to the time Edwin Van Der Sar denied Anelka's penalty to snatch back the trophy that was almost in the hands of Chelsea; every single moment of the match made it very memorable and stitched to the hearts of every fan. I myself, had my eyes glued to the screen throughout the whole match and when Christiano Ronaldo missed the penalty, I was so devastated that I couldn't bear to see what happened next. John Terry was lining up to take the kick that would bring the trophy home to Stamford Bridge and you can practically feel the union of all the Manchester United fans around the world, going on their knees and utter, "Bring salvation to us, Van Der Sar!"

He went in for the kick, and succeeded in tricking the keeper to dive to the opposite direction but, he missed! The stadium roared when they realized that the ball has hit the far right post and flew away from the goal. John Terry was on the floor in utter shame just like how Ronaldo reacted when he missed his earlier. After two kicks, Nicolas Anelka was next. He came up and everyone had their eyes on these two men. Ronaldo was on his knees praying, Mr. Roman let out a sigh as he also participated in the anticipation, and fans from both sides could hear their hearts pumping at high amplitudes. Nicolas Anelka came on to make the decisive kick and but only managed a very underpowered shot to the left where Van Der Sar hit the jackpot when he placed his bet to dive to the left. The stadium was sent into rapture as the fans rattled the stadium in disbelief and the words of the commentator shouting, "It's red in Moscow, it's red in Moscow!"

Players were running here and there; red jerseys jumping and blue jerseys were hanging their faces with tears soaking their palms. John Terry cried his heart out on the shoulders of manager Avram Grant and Christiano Ronaldo also cried in tears of joy on the ground. The joy, the celebration and the emotions that was going through during that time was amazing and spectacular, uniting every Manchester United fan out there and I could imagine people at the 'mamak' literally hugging and shaking each other's hands in celebration also.

As they replayed the reactions of the players, the tears and the joy that was demonstrated by them brought me to tears. I've always been a Manchester United fan, but I have never been so proud of being one and today I'm not afraid of putting on that jersey without fear of what others are going to say, because they are the Champions!

The clock ticked 6 a.m. when I jumped into bed and the wonderful thoughts of Manchester United being Champions was still flashing around in my mind. But as I pictured the joy those players had, my thoughts digressed to something more spiritual. I began to feel as if my mind rewinded back to last week, when I was in GLO Taiping. Words from the mouth of Mr. McGregor started to ring in my ears and I began to remember the message that was given by him then. It was a message on 2 Corinthians 5, talking about our heavenly home. The message was very timely indeed as I was thinking along this line a lot of late. I've to admit that I've been discouraged because I can't seem to find the excitement of looking forward to the Heavenly Home. My love for this life has began to grow so deep that I hoped that Christ won't return until I've tasted the different phases of life. It was as if I was afraid of Christ's return and was not looking forward to it at all. But God used the words of Mr. McGregor to bring me back to my senses and it was this line that I believe made me redirect my hope to the return of Christ once again. "We will go home one day. This world is not our home, our home is where God will be." This line, though not exactly what he said, was mentioned when he was sharing about a story that originated from the famous hymn, "How Great Thou Art". The first translater of this song, Stuart K. Hine who was a missionary during the World War I, was also accompanied by the father of Mr. McGregor as they both witnessed in the main provinces of Eastern Europe. During that time many of the soldiers that has left their homes for war were asking when they were able to return to their homes. And K. Hine said this, "When we reach that heavenly home, we will fully understand the greatness of God, and will bow in humble adoration, saying to Him, O Lord my God, how great thou art." He enlightened them with a home that was far more superior and far more worth looking forward to, which is the eternal glory. The original hymn that was written by Carl Gustaf Boberg only had three verses, and K. Hine inspired by what he told the soldiers, came up with the fourth verse of the song.

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,

And then proclaim: "My God,How great Thou art!"

I believe that my hope was reassured that night, knowing and remembering that God has prepared a place for me in Heaven. It will be a place of God's glory and a place where there will no longer be pain and tears. But even as Christ has gone to prepare a place for me, I also need to allow God to prepare me for that place. I know I will not be able to fully enjoy the sweetness of that victory if I don't give my all to be prepared to enter that eternal glory. Looking at the headlines of disasters famines around the world flooding the papers together with many other signs has clearly indicated that with no doubt we are living in the end times. Christ is definitely coming back for His bride and He is coming back very soon!

During this times, I hope my heart will continue to utter these words in Revelation 22: 20, "Even so, come, Lord Jesus."

Availability?

2008-05-10T01:06:00.005+12:00

I'm overwhelmed with frustration once again.

It's been the third time already I'm forced to skip joining my friends for evangelism in Queens Bay Mall.

I really want to do this but the circumstances are always not allowing me to do so.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's because I'm not ready or whether there's something God wants to tell me. I've always believed that availability is the best service one can offer to God. And I want to be available for God. I really want to.

Gracious Father,

You know that I want to serve you, but I don't know how.

Teach me what to do. Teach me what to say and how to react.

I want to bring Your Gospel to others.

Help me to trust that You can use me in this manner.

Amen.